79 posts tagged “work”

I'm getting really tired of so very much again.  Overstimulated.  I've been clenching my jaw so tight for over a week now that I have near constant headaches and jaw pain.  It's time to retreat from the world again and recharge my sanity and sense of wonder.  No more tv, no commercial radio, no news.  No reading controversial blog posts or following links to articles that feed the flames of my misanthropy.

And even though I love my job, I'm coming up on the end of one version and ready to start the next, left with the tedium of tying up loose ends, which always makes me feel like Sisyphus.

I need some time off, from everything.

I can't afford much time off from work right now, but I'm taking the rest of today at least, and maybe some or all of tomorrow.  The plan is to get myself grounded again, and then I can make up the time off, even this weekend if I have my head together by then.

I don't know that it's just my own issues that have me worn thin right now, but it feels like more, like some weird pressure or storm cloud hanging overhead.  I've never much believed in that "veil is thin this time of year" stuff, but there does seem to be an abundance of weirdness.  Normally the weirdness delights me.  Like the feeling of a hand tucking me in at night, or the gourd I found, plucked from my own garden and left like a gift on the corner of my deck where I like to sit.  Probably some squirrel leaving a lunch that he didn't like, but I find those kinds of weird things delightful all the same, especially if you entertain less "sensible" explanations.  Ordinary is boring, and harmless out-of-the-ordinary things are delightful in comparison.

Last night though, some weirdness freaked my rabbit out and got her thumping the floor in warning about every ten seconds or so, for maybe twenty minutes.  I had just managed to fall asleep after about an hour of meditating on boring objects like straight pins and two-by-fours, trying to get my brain to SHUT THE HELL UP!  There was some commotion from downstairs that woke me, and then the thumping started.  I went downstairs to check it out, but all the windows and doors seemed secure and nothing was overturned.  I sat on the floor and looked under the bed where Mia was hiding.  She was freaked.  I sat there for a while, talking to her and trying to coax her out with treats, while she continued to beat her foot on the floor.  Eventually she came out, and after a little while longer, she crept tentatively back into her room, taking a few steps with her front feet, eyes wide and ears at attention, then after a second or two, her back feet would catch up.  She pause again and listen, then creep forward with her front feet again, like some gigantic, furry inchworm,  I followed her ever cautious steps into the room and gave her some fresh food, told whatever scared her to knock it off, and shut off the light, ...at which point she ran back under the bed in the next room and thumped the floor again.  *sigh*  I went back to bed, only hearing a couple more thumps, and spent another hour trying to get back to sleep.

So there lies a lot of my problem today.  My sleep was hard fought for and restless at best.  My brain has been on overdrive night and day for days now, only temporarly quieted by meditation and sleep when I can get it.  And then things just feel kind of off in general.

So I retreat.  Self-imposed quiet time.  And art.  I need to channel all this overstimulation and wild energy into something, so I will draw and craft myself back to sanity.  Because right now, and for the past couple of days, I'm most wanting to channel it into a fight with any and every person or thing that confronts me.  And my teeth hurt.

For starters, if it's not raining, I might go sit out back and just stare at my gourd for a while, ...maybe fill the bird feeders and leave some extra seed and nuts out for whatever rodent delivered such a fine and only barely tasted offering.

A Gift

Slea Head, on the Dingle Peninsula in Ireland

Craig talked to our travel agent today, and has decided he wants to spend his birthday this year in Ireland!!!  We'll be gone a week, taking a driving tour, staying in Dublin, Killarney, Galway and back to Dublin!  I'm so excited I could scream!  I can't wait to see some new things, and I also can't wait to have another pint at The Poet's Corner in Ennis!!!  ...And I can't wait to see Slea Head again, our future home!!!  I'm so frakking psyched!!!!!!!!!!11!

So Craig came home to tell me all of this exciting news, and then he had more great news to relay.  We're finally going to get our money's worth out of our health insurance.  They're starting a new wellness program this year.  The program allows us to workout at several local gyms, including one that has AN OLYMPIC SIZE LAP POOL!!!!!!!  I get to swim again!  The wellness program has all sorts of other goodies, like access to personal trainers and dieticians and such, BUT I GET TO SWIM AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today I got a trip to Ireland *AND* access to a lap pool!  This is turning out to be one of the best Jen's Big Birthday Months EVER!!!  I'm so damn excited!

We had a long holiday weekend.  Craig took Thursday and Monday off, in addition to having Friday off.  Stuff happened.

My mental "week" started off last Tuesday when I had a pretty big anxiety attack.  I was beyond the "exercise or meditate" remedies and couldn't think of any other way to calm myself down, so I added a little pomegranate liqueur to some soda and had that with my lunch.  I had goggled "anxiety and alcohol", just to make sure it wasn't going to make me feel worse, and came up with page after page of warnings about needing 12-step programs and such.  In the moment, I felt really low for resorting to alcohol as a remedy, but a) it worked, b) it worked fast, and c) once I was past the panic, I realized that I only have these attacks once or twice a year, and if a little bit of very weak alcohol helps me calm down once or twice a year, I really don't think I have a problem.  Plus, d) less side-effects to worry about than pharmaceutical remedies.  The next day we were talking with a coworker who brews beer, discussing the stigma of alcohol in the US.  He had taken some European visitors out for breakfast, and was amused when they blew the waitresses mind by trying to order beer in the morning.  So I've decided not to feel bad about having a sip with my lunch to bring my brain back to reality, stop the tears, and calm my racing heart and trembling hands.  It wasn't a fifth of anything or even a whole glass of wine.  It was a shot of very low alcohol content liqueur in some soda, and it calmed me down perfectly.

Wednesday I went to the office with Craig.  I had a big meeting I preferred to actually attend rather than call in to, and my car was in the shop for a leaky master cylinder.  It was to be a longer-than usual meeting discussing things that completely mix up my to-do list, but in a good way I think.  Craig was more than willing to use my "needing a ride home" at lunch time as an excuse to take some well-deserved comp time and start the weekend early.  We had Thai for lunch, ran some errands and went home to chill.

Big Agnes Flying Diamond 6

I don't honestly remember everything we did this weekend, but we did set up our new tent.  It's pretty awesome.  It was super easy to set up (and take down).  We did sleep in it one night, a little backyard camping, which was my first time sleeping in a tent.  Very relaxing to be outside, even if it was only in our backyard.  Amazingly cold too, for July!  I can't wait to actually go camping some time soon, after Mia settles into a new routine and I can board her for the weekend without worrying about her.

We also had our traditional 4th of July picnic and enjoyed the fireworks at BG, even with the rude people there.  If you're going to play catch in the middle of a crowd of picnickers, you'd better be able to actually ...you know, CATCH!!!  We had a ton of near misses with a baseball, and the same group tossed a football that would've turned over a chair and hit Craig right in the head if we hadn't been paying attention to their dumb game of almost-catch.  I was fantasizing about stabbing the football with my pocket knife each time it landed next to us, and handing it back that way.

The fireworks themselves were most enjoyable, and highly entertaining.  They seemed a little sparser than in previous years, and I figured it was a budget thing, times being what they are.  After the finale, there was a huge encoure though, and then a second one.  And then as everyone was walking back to their cars, large fireworks continued to go off in the sky for another 15 minutes or so.  Methinks they had some wiring/fuse issues.  :)  They were gorgeous, as always though, and the crowd watch in near silent awe, except when the perfect smiley face burst over all our heads and cracked everyone up.  :)

Sunday morning we went out for breakfast, and after being playfully harassed by the waitress and enjoying a good meal, we were told that some other couple had paid our bill with the message, "Have a nice day."  Craig and I were momentarily stunned by the act of kindness.  It's silly how stupid difficult it was to process a random kind deed like that without suspicion and intense curiousity.  Our waitress winked and said, "I think you have an admirer, and I think it was HIM, not her."  Then Craig tripped a circuit in her brain when he replied, "I'm ok with that.  I'll take any admirers I can get these days!"  *L*  :)  We picked an older couple in the restaurant and anonymously paid for their breakfast before we left, passing on the good deed. 

We also had a too-brief visit from some good friends this weekend, we did a little antiquing, Craig worked on a project in the garage, ....um, I don't know what else.  Sunday and Monday my thoughts were pretty much all on Jasmine.

Yesterday, on our way home from the vet, we stopped and picked up a harness and leash for Mia.  We're going to have to provide her with a lot more entertainment and enrichment now that she's without bunny companionship.  I'm going to *TRY* to leash train her so I can take her out in the yard once in a while.  I may build a rabbit run too, but with the feral cats and eagles and some toxic plants and the large deck to hide under and her natural ability to dig and run fast... well I'm not going to be letting her have the run of the yard.  I figured we'd try the harness thing first.  We picked out an obnoxiously pink harness and leash, with a blinged out heart on it.  I don't know why.  It made me laugh when I was feeling down, so Mia must suffer it ...at least until she chews it to shreds.  :)

So the "week" started with an anxiety attack and ended with the sad loss of a furry friend, but there was a lot of good stuff in between last Tuesday and yesterday.

And now, Mia seems to have fallen asleep with her eyes open, like she does, so I'm going to get up off this hard floor, go hang up some laundry, and actually try to get some work done.

Princess Jasmine

COME ON, BRAIN!  WAKE UP!  If we do what needs to be done today, we'll be sitting pretty for tomorrow's meeting.  *SLAP* WAKE UP!!!

Twitter is vexing me.  I still don't know what I have to say that would be worth twittering, and with only two tweets out there, I'm collecting more camera whores, skanks and spammers than I have real friends following me.  I'm not sure if it's even worth the trouble to keep blocking these people, but I HATE that they're there.  I wish that when you blocked someone, they'd drop from your list of followers.  I've heard it said that with twitter, like with almost everything in life, you get out of it what you put into it.  Fair enough.  I just don't know what to put into it.  I'm not a talker.  Blogging is one thing: I see it mostly as talking to myself.  Tweeting feels more like shouting at the world, ...and I got nothin'.  I am enjoying following Eddie Izzard, Wil Wheaton, Nathan Fillion and Neil Gaiman, but even then, catching up on tweets when I've been away for a few hours feels like such a timesuck.  I'm thinking this is one service that's just not for me, but I'm going to ride it out a while. Maybe something will eventually click.

It's cold this morning.  I have on socks, pants, and a sweatshirt, and I've gone back to hot coffee.  It's weird for July.  My brain knows it's July, but I keep slipping into September.

Still no rain.  I hope we get some.  My garden isn't terribly dry, but I'm sure it would still like some rain.

Speaking of my garden, I have flowers on my peas and tomatoes, the zucchini is ready to flower, and I've seen one huge bloom on one of the pumpkin vines growing beside the compost pile.  The lettuce is growing like crazy.  I pull some every day, and the lettuce bed still looks packed solid.

I'm excited for the long weekend.  I've so much I want to do, and I'm really looking forward to the fireworks.  That's one of my favorite events of the year, one of our favorite traditions.

Ok, so I'm starting to feel some enthusiasm for *something*.  I must be waking up finally.  Time to get some work done.

My ear and the left side of my head still hurt like crazy.  Now I'm getting those jolts of stabbing pain too.  Fun.  Stupid allergies!

Craig woke me early this morning to let me know that after *MANY* hours of labor, Anne had a baby girl.  My heart is overflowing with joy for her!  I haven't heard her name or any stats yet, but it's good just to know all are well, especailly after a long labor!  Hopefully Anne is getting a little rest after all that effort!

I couldn't get back to sleep thanks to an ear infection.  I felt it coming on yesterday, and it's hurting pretty bad today, from mid neck all the way up to my temple.

It's just as well I get an early start to my day.  I'm going to try to make my brain do a double shift today, since Craig has Thursday, Friday and Monday off.  I get paid hourly, so if I want to take those days off, I either take a chunk out of my next paycheck, or I make up the time elsewhere.

I'm worried about Jasmine.  Craig found her in a corner of the back room this morning.  That's usually a sign that the end is nigh, but in Jasmine's case, it could also mean she stumbled onto the slippery floor, lost her footing, and after much sliding around, wound up in a far corner.  I'm nervous, but when I fed them, she chowed down, and in my experience, when an animal is ready to go, they don't want to eat.  Her balance is a little off, but she still managed her way to the water bowl after eating too, so the lost-her-footing scenario seems more likely.  Still worried though, and painfully aware of the inevitable.

Some time today I should run one quick errand, and then drop my car off at the mechanics.  I'm losing brake fluid.  I really need to run an errand, but I'm nervous about driving it too, so I'm thinking I may just find some way to do without the errand, and head straight for the mechanics.  Fortunately, they're just down the street, so I can drop the car off and walk home.  I should've done that last week, but it was way too blasted hot and I was painfully sunburned.

Ah, Monday.  Starting the week full-force this time, right from the get-go, eh?  I'd better get some breakfast and jump in the game, before I get run over and left behind.

I had a HUGE crush on Michael Jackson back in his Thriller days.  As someone who *LOVES* dance and all kinds of music, I found him so innovative and magical.  He never stood a chance at a normal life, what with his family life and the greedy yes-men around him telling him time and time again how awesome he was.  That's not an environment conducive to growing up or maturing or doing anything but festering in your own ego and always hungering for something real that you can't quite identify.  His fortune and fame weren't worth that price, and through all the crazy stories and accusations and possibly even crimes, I always felt bad for him and wondered how different he'd be if he'd had to live in the real world.  He was gifted though, and the world seems a whole lot less glamorous and magical without him.  -My blog, my feelings.

I've been dreaming *A LOT* about loved ones in the past week or so, both people I've lost touch with, and people lost to this world.  It's been nice visiting with everyone ion my head, even people I don't think I'd actually get along with should we run into each other again.  ...I have to admit, it has me rethinking that.  Who really is the same person they were years ago, or even last week?  I know I'm sure as hell not.  We all live and learn and adapt.  It's been good food for thought.

I'm procrastinating starting my day.  Yesterday was a complete loss.  I'm at the end stage of a project, and tying up loose ends gives me a hell of a lot of anxiety.  My performance anxiety has nothing to do with crowds of people or approval, but EVERYTHING to do with the integrity of my work - knots must be tied impossibly tightly, ts crossed, every last scrap of data accounted for, ...  I get so nervous when I see the finish line, it sometimes makes me physically sick.  I'm trying so hard to change my thinking.  My daily affirmations this week have been all about trying to rewire my brain into having faith in my own work.  It's not working yet, but I'm not giving up until it does.

Been very much in the mood for singing cowboys lately.  I do love a deep warbly voice.  "The Highway" on Sirius radio is pretty decent, but not quite hitting the mark.  I wish I could tune in the local country station.

Ok.  That's enough.  I had more thoughts I wanted to jot down, but they don't seem as pressing right now.  Time to give Jasmine her meds and get some work done.

Man, I feel like total CRAP!  I've been having trouble breathing since starting Jasmine on her treatments.  Having her so close to my face three times a day is complete hell on my asthma.  You never think about how wonderful it is to breathe until you're having trouble with it.

Jasmine is doing a little better already.  Her balance isn't so bad, and she doesn't have to press her head into something stable in order to get some sleep.  I'm not kidding myself though.  I know she's very, very old for a bunny.  She doesn't even fight me for most of her meds, which tells me she's wearing out very easily.  Still, it's very good to see her not looking so miserable!

My grandma is doing well after getting her fourth heart catheter on Tuesday.  The doctors had run some tests last week and found two serious blockages and open heart surgery was a looming possibility, but Tuesday morning they couldn't find any blockages.  Not sure what's going on with that, but she's very happy that surgery isn't currently on her calendar.

Not much else to report.  I'm just trying to stay awake for my 9:30 conference call.  I took some allergy meds last night hoping it would help with the asthma.  They did help a little, but right now I have all the energy and mental sharpness of a wet wool blanket.  I need to get through this meeting, then snag a nap before sitting down to try to actually get some work done.

Oh, and I have a knitting frustration I want to bitch about and just get out of my system.  I'm knitting a blanket in the round, from the inside out, and I'm near the end of the project, so one time around is about 500 or so stitches.  Well last night I realized I'd picked up an extra stitch... four rows back!  %$#!!!!  I tried to drop it down through those four rows and tug at the surrounding stiches to pick up some of the slack, but it's not working at all.  So sometime soon, as soon as I can stand to look at that project again, I get to pull out over 2000 stitches.  ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Damn.  I really want to put my head down.  40 minutes until my meeting.  I need to make some tea.

It's been a hell of a week, I mean seriously!  In fact, April can totally suck it!  Most of that list I made on Monday is working out the way I'd hoped though, and Craig and I are taking tomorrow off and having a MUCH-NEEDED three-day weekend.  ...It's almost over, this week, April.  Life always works out in your favor if you can just hold on long enough.

I don't really know what I'm saying, and I can't seem to stop myself, so I'm just going to quit now and go make some tea.  *YAWWWWWWN!*

Yesterday was the company meeting.  It was excellent as company meetings go.  I actually enjoyed it and learned some good stuff, but it kicked my introverted ass.  I was totally zombified in art class last night, and I actually feel kind of run down and sickly today.  I did sleep extremely well last night though, which was blissful.  I just feel like I need another full eight hours yet.

I put on a skirt and my favorite blouse for the meeting yesterday, and figured as long as I was dressing up a little, it might be nice to put on a little makeup.  I put on a little eye-liner, mascara, blush and a light powder, that's all.  I felt pretty for all of about two hours, and spent the rest of the day fantasizing about washing my face.  I honestly don't know how so many woman put that stuff on every morning and wear it all day!  BLEH!  Lathering my face up last night was one of the most enjoyable moments of the day.  YAY for clean skin!!!

Art class, even though I felt icky and exhausted, was quite fun.  We did pen & ink, and both Craig and I did really well with it.  It was another one of those techniques that totally zoned me out.  It was very meditative.  We have next week off because our instructor will be taking a vacation, but then we have five more weeks of this class.  YAY!!!  We've touched on all the media promised in the class description already, so it'll be interesting to see what else we cover.  We've already been promised water color to accent pen & ink, which I'm *very* excited about.  Our instructor pretty much just asks us what we want to learn next week at the end of each class.  As expensive as this class was, it's totally worth every penny!

And speaking of art, our postal carrier just dropped off our swank new colored pencil set!  *SQUEEEEEEE!!!!*  I'm going to try and wait until Craig gets home to open it, because I have a lot of work to do today and don't need the distraction.  ...*stares longingly at the box*...  We'll see how long I can hold out.

I was going to make this a picture post and scan in our pen & ink drawings, but maybe later.  I'm still half zombified and all I can think about right now is colored pencils work colored pencils making some tea.  COLORED PENCILS!!!

Oh yeah!  And because Craig worked a full day on Sunday, he's taking a comp day tomorrow, which makes today

Now, I need some tea to try and wake up my brainz so I can get this Bon Jovi Friday going.  There's a lot to do.

AND COLORED PENCILS!!!!!!!!11!!!

When we were out running errands on Saturday, we noticed that the Twist-T-Freeze stand just down the street is open now!  Then yesterday Craig looked out the window and cracked up when he saw a kid bundled up in his hooded winter parka (it was only in the 20s Fahrenheit) walking down the street licking an ice cream cone!  :D

I have to run a couple of quick errands in a bit here, but otherwise I'm spending my whole day learning new software.  If you have any brain cycles to spare, please allocate them to me.  I'm going to need all the help I can get!

Before everything though, tea.

I want to blog.  I'm going about my typical morning, thinking the typical kinds of thoughts, and I keep thinking, "Oh yeah!  I wanted to blog about that."  But every time I open up a window to start an entry, I go blank.

My brain has been well used and abused for over a week now, and I think it's just done for a while.

It's just as well.  I *REALLY* want to finish the blanket I'm knitting (brainless work) ...so I can go back to the yarn store this weekend with the FO and my receipt and get a discount on my next project's supplies.  :D

And speaking of spending money, we were back to using colored pencils in art class last night.  I was really frakking tired and frazzled, and the project, "drawing in reverse" (working light values on black paper) was extremely meditative and therapeutic for me.  It was one of those nights where I was able to shut off my brain and just work, and it was blissful.  Except, I brought my Prismacolor pencils, which are very waxy, and I was reminded yet again how very much I want those wonderful, oily Faber Castell pencils.  Then I got to thinking that I made a nice chunk of extra money putting all those long hours in this past week, and dammit, I'm going to use that money to order our pencils!

Ok.  I just remembered something I wanted to blog about, but it's a rant that's really not worth the effort.  So, nevermind.  It's always better when rants fade away on their own anyhow.

Oy.  My inbox has over 300 messages in it.  It's usually bad, but there's an extra 100 over what I can generally tolerate in there from the neglect it's suffered this week.  I might have to spend some time catching up on correspondence in the next couple of days.  My apologies if you're awaiting a reply.

Craig has set a spare laptop up next to our tv and made all the appropriate connections so we can now watch netflix downloadable movies on our tv, which I think rocks!  I'm going to clean out our DVD collection a little now, and get rid of all the movies Netflix offers online, ones that I've been hanging on to just so they're there when I'm in the mood to watch them.  I'd like to go one step further and replace the rest our physical DVDs with a video locker at amazon.com, but amazon's seem to be of a better quality and I don't think our internet connection can handle those without buffering issues.  Some day though!

Ok.  I really need some tea, then I have some easier edits to do for work, some studying (only for as long as my over-stuffed brain will process new information) and then I have a blanket to knit and a week's worth of chores and life-maintenance types of tasks to catch up on.  And art supplies to order.  :D  First though, tea.