2 posts tagged “ocd”

First, my OCD has been crazy this week, related to that work anxiety I blogged about earlier, I'm pretty sure.  It's the personal challenges that I've been struggling with.  Damn near turned my ankle trying to be on the stairs before the chorus of a song could start, and almost shut my fingers in the front door trying to get it shut and locked before the next car could drive by.  For no damn reason.  The stupid thoughts pop up in my head so fast, and there's not time to be rational about them.  My only thought is "OH GOD, HURRY!"  I really need to exercise some chill and come back to reality a little before I do get hurt.  These crazy adrenaline rushes for *ABSOLUTELY **NO** REASON* are not fun.

And second, I've seen a lot of people arguing Facebook needs a "Don't Like" companion to the "Like" option.  Gods how I hope FB doesn't go that route.  If they do, you might as well call it what it really is, "Piss on This Parade".  I guess it would make it easier to identify the self-important wankers though.  If you disagree with someone on something important enough that you feel you need to tell them so, it's also important enough to take the time to do so with some explanation.  If you just want to make it known that you don't like whatever they're geeked about, you're just being a jerk.  Been there, done that, grew up

It's so totally obvious that I'm not doing enough to maintain my sanity these days, though I am really trying.  The more stressed and exhausted I get, the harder it is for me to not give in to my OCD.  Before leaving the house today, I:

- turned all the burners on the stove to "off", even though they were clearly already off ...I just had to be sure
- turned them off all one more time, in case I'd bumped one the wrong way during my first check
- one more time, again in case I'd bumped one  ...then made myself walk away, but not before...
- visually looking at each to make sure they at least looked off
- pulled the plug out from behind the coffee maker to make absolute sure it wasn't plugged in, even though I could see the outlet and there was nothing plugged into it
- switched the coffee maker on and off again, just to be absolutely sure ...even though I was still holding the plug in my hand
- after getting all bundled up and loaded with my laptop, purse and lunch, ready to go, had to run back upstairs to make sure my make-up mirror was unplugged
- and yes, I looked over my shoulder at the stove burners one more time on my way out
- and at the coffee maker
- I don't even know how many times I checked my purse on the way to work to make super-sure I had my glasses and my inhaler

I know as I'm doing all this stuff that I'm really over-reacting and wasting time, but there's that tiny voice in my head constantly whispering, "sure, but what if...? why take the chance?", and when I'm already feeling too tired to think too hard about anything, that voice seems to make so much more sense than usual.  Even as I write about how crazy I know this is, I'm still wishing I'd remembered to check the kitchen faucet to double-check that it wasn't dripping.  That one has been bugging me since I got in the car to leave.

I'm tired, but I'm not totally freaking out, so that's good.  One day at a time.  I just try to keep the next happy thing on my schedule foremost in my mind.  Right now I'm looking forward to going to the yarn store tomorrow morning.  After that, I'm looking forward to sweeping up some vicious dust-bunnies in my bedroom.  Seriously.  Just keeping my mind on the happy thoughts, going out of my way to NOT think about the things that make me anxious.  Denial as a matter of survival.  feh.  Whatever works some days, you know?

P.S. - I'm actually kind of looking forward to the office holiday party tomorrow night too.  Normally parties cause me all kinds of anxiety, but since I've been working here this year and actually know the folks, well, I'm kind of looking forward to clocking out an hour early, sharing a laugh or two, and eating some serious munchies on someone else's dime.  ;)  So I haven't gone completely anti-social, which honestly surprises me a little.  ...Ok, more than just a little.