19 posts tagged “goals”

I've got my office curtains down and in the wash right now.  Tomorrow we'll take the AC out of the living room window, and I'll wash those curtains, and that's the last of them!  Clean curtains all around!  I know that's really more of a spring chore, but I'm really keen on eliminating as much dust and dirt from this house as possible before we start closing it up for the winter when it's just me and my asthma against a winter's worth of dust.

My office is pretty damn cluttered.  I haven't minded having the curtains down on any of the other windows, but I'm feeling a bit exposed right now.  What a mess!  It's good motivation to get that clutter under control though.

I'm pretty pleased with all the seasonal cleaning I've been doing lately.  I just about have the worst of the dusty corners cleaned out, and I have my chores on a manageable weekly schedule that sees everything getting regularly vacuumed and dusted as a matter of maintenance. 

I've always been somewhat comfortable in a mess.  I like to have the things I'm currently working on laid out within arm's reach, and I like to have the things that need my attention sitting out somewhere to visually nag me.  To an extent, I'm more comfortable with that than I am a neat and tidy home.  I like the lived-in feel more than the magazine-ready look.  The more stuff we pare down though, the easier it is to find a comfortable balance between the two.  I still have lots of stuff I want to sell somewhere, but I'm already at the point where no extra house cleaning is necessary if we wanted to have company.  That's my ultimate goal: to always have the house guest-ready.

Speaking of which, I'd like to start having people over for dinner once in a while.  Yes, I'm still very introverted and I really hate committing to plans, but if the house is clean enough for company, and all I have to do is make dinner, it seems like it would be really nice to entertain once a month or so.  I have really awesome friends and the only reason I haven't done more inviting over the years was because cooking AND cleaning AND getting over my introverted self was just too much.  Two out of three ain't bad though.  :)

So the cleaner house is making me *very* happy.  In other happy Jen news, I saw a number on the scale this morning that has been one of my weight-loss goals for TEN YEARS now!  It's really not a great number, always meant to be just the first step of many, but it's eluded me in all my many years of false starts at getting in shape, to the point where it was starting to feel impossible.  I stepped on the scale this morning though, and VOILA!  There it was!  After weeks of bouncing around just above it, getting close but never quite there.  After feeling like utter shit off and on all week long, wondering if it was allergies or something worse coming on.  After not only skipping yesterday's workout, but also having a latte AND sharing a piece of cheesecake!  On a day I was the least hopeful, there it was!  I did something I almost never do in the morning, and giggled uncontrollably.  That feels really frakking awesome!

I'm down two pants sizes from where I was in mid-July when I started this.  Two pants sizes in two and a half months is progress I'm quite happy with!  It's hard to judge how I look, because I never noticed I was getting fat until I just was, but there are things I'm noticing that make me so very happy.  I have room in the sleeves of my t-shirts because my upper arms are shaping up.  No more sausage arms!  I'm more comfortable in shorts because my legs are more toned.  Specifically, I'm not self-conscious about sitting in shorts because my thighs have some firmness and shape now, and don't simply mold to the surface I'm sitting on.  *L*  The thing that makes me the happiest though is my tummy.  Where some girls have a pooch, ...well, I had enough that I was always expecting people to ask if I was pregnant.  Bleh!  And now I've lost enough that I feel normal.  I don't feel like my belly goes before me everywhere.  I can actually dress without feeling like I have to camouflage, without needing a long shirt that flares out.

I'm not skinny.  I really haven't lost that much, seriously.  But I feel 100 times better for the bit I have lost.  I don't feel fat any more, and that's freaking awesome.  I'd still like to lose about 50 pounds.  That will get me to a very healthy weight, one I haven't seen in 15 years or more.  And it's my goal to get there before my 40th birthday next year, which shouldn't be too terrible.  If I can lose just five pounds a month, which isn't a lofty goal *at all*, I could hit my goal with a month to spare.  Honestly, I expect to hit it even sooner.  I may even be looking swank in a bikini at the start of next summer, which is something I never thought I'd be able to pull off again.  :D  It seems very possible right now though, and just to feel the possibilities again, that's better than what the scale or the labels in my clothes or even the image in the mirror has to say.  I love the possibilities.

So my house is shaping up and my body is shaping up, even our debt is getting paid down at a nice rate.  Next on the list is getting work caught up to the point that I'm working on current issues with the programmers rather than always trying to catch up.  Simaltaneously, I want to be working out my artistic skills on a regular basis -that's HUGELY important to me.  Less than a year away from 40, and it feels like everything is coming together so nicely.  I am one content woman!

What I've learned, what started all of this progress though, was realizing how much easier it is to make improvements when you start out being okay with how things are in the present moment.  When I felt bad about myself or my situations, the thought of making things better seemed so huge, so impossible to achieve.  But when I took stock of the present moment and said to myself, "This is what I have now, and all things considered, this is really pretty damn good," then suddenly small changes seemed not only possible, but enjoyable.  And a small change or two lead to more.  It's so much easier to build momentum when you start with your focus just on the tiniest of movements.  Before you're even aware of it, those tiny movements are adding up pretty quickly.  It's a helluva a trip!

*L*  Ok, so my subject for this entry sounds pathetically emo, but I assure you, I mean it literally.  I'm talking about broken glass here.  I've been going through this thing for a while now where I'm breaking a lot of glass.  I mean, I've always leaned a little to the clumsy side, but this is getting ridiculous.  I broke my glass candy cane when I caught it one something and it flng to the floor.  One night, after the lights were out, we heard something break, and turned on the light to see an old wine glass on my dresser (decorative) that I'm sentimentally attached to had broken, and I never really was sure how.  Something must of fallen on it???  One night, I fumbled the plastic bottle-brush which fell only a few inches and landed in the dish water with a soft *sploosh*, and was followed by the sound of cracking glass.  I fished all of the pieces of one of my beloved emerald green antique juice glasses out of the sink and set them aside to be melted into beads at some later date.  Another night I was putting the stemware into the rack above the sink, and I smacked the bottom of a wine glass into the rim of one of my lovely martini glasses, and had glass rain down on me.  And, there were, of course, ornaments dropped and done for in the Great Holiday Put-Away '09. 

But yesterday...  *sigh*  Yesterday was the ...ARGH!  I was doing the laundry.  I took a shirt out of the washer, shook the wrinkles out, and tossed it into the dryer.  One of the sleeves caught on my jar of expensive glass rods, the reduction and special colors, and the whole jar was flung to the floor.  *head in hands*  Like the juice glass, it's not a huge loss really.  Not all of the rods broke, and the ones that did can be melted back together,...and even some of the fine shards can be ground or heated and dropped into water to make frit.  It was just an aggravating mess.  This trend must stop.  I love glass and have lots of pretty glass things around the house, ...all which now seem to be awaiting their untimely demise.  I'm kind of scared to go near any of it.  Glass shelves, stained glass, jewelry, snow globes, ...I even have a one-of-a-kind stained glass plate and chalice that used to be used for communion in a church.  I'm afraid to even walk by this stuff.

Yesterday was a *busy* day for me, and long before it was over, I was exhausted and cranky.  I did get a lot done though.  Of the 22 tasks that I'd wanted to get done, I checked 14 off, let 4 roll over to today and rescheduled 4.  It felt good to get so much done.  Still, Craig was encouraging me to take it easy today, hoping I won't get as cranky.  :)  (Sorry, Sweetie.  I'll try not to get cranky today.)  I only have 16 things marked due for today (including the rolled over 4 from yesterday), and a several of them are non-active things, like writing some thank-you notes and paying the bills.  So in comparison, today will be an easy day, nowhere near as exhausting at the very least.

Outliers: The Story of Success

I've been reading Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers.  It's a decent read.  I'm not a "huge" fan of his books.  He has some very interesting premises, but he seems to really have to overwork them to fill up a book.  Still, very interesting premises, and the point he makes in Outliers about 10,000 hours of practice bringing expertise is my favorite yet.  There are a lot of creative things I love doing, but which I feel a bit guilty about making time for when there are so many "practical" type things that always need doing.  He's got me thinking though, that if I make the time for the stuff I love to do now, I might just be able to turn a tidy profit from those things ten years down the line, and perhaps I'll even be able to bring in some extra income in our retirement some day, just from doing what I love to do.  The thought that that could even be a possibility makes me happy.  ...Plus, I'm all about finding ways to justify doing the things I love to do.  :)  And with that said, I think I'll go schedule myself some me time, or rather "practice time".  :D

I'm feeling better, FINALLY.  I've been making sleep a priority this week, and getting a luxurious 10-12 hours a night. I'm going to keep on sleeping as much as my body wants to for a few more days, ...except for tomorrow when I have to be awake (not just up, but conscious) for a 9am conference call.  (I'm not complaining though.  It beats the hell out of having to get dressed up and drive into the office.)  Sleep does a body good.

Been feeling compelled to simplify my life again.  It's probably the new year and new goals combined with spring cleaning creeping up just around the corner.  I'm also feeling extremely frugal ...and it's obvious where that comes from. 

Plans and goals for 2009 are still formulating, but I'm very much feeling that I don't want anything in my home but the absolute essentials.  I have plans to sell or donate all but my very favorite things.  I have a lot of energy tied up in stuff still.  The more I get rid of, the more aware I am of what remains, what's important to me and what's just a drain on me.  I'd very much like to get the housekeeping on a regular and manageable schedule too, and right now there's just too much stuff to keep dusted and in order all of the time.

The year has gotten off to a very slow start, what with my germ infestation and all, but it's given me a lot of time to think.  I've had some awesome moments of clarity, and I've got a lot planned for this year.  Not the best start, but not a bad one either, and I'm expecting great things from 2009 still.

I have that familiar unease.  It's part PMS, I'm sure, but it's also part warning light.  Dissatisfied.  I'm irritable and slightly off, but the cause is nothing that I can put my finger on, which means I've strayed off the path again.  I know I'm not doing what I could be doing, what I should be doing to be happy and live a good life.  I know it.  So there it is in my head, the soft yellow-orange glow of an "idiot light" lit in a normally dark area of the control panel, just different enough from normal that it keeps drawing my attention and irritating me.  I know what I have to do to fix it, but I don't know if I have the motivation to deal with it just yet.  I'm fully aware I'd feel much better if I just addressed the issue *now*, but...  I don't know.  But what?  I'm lazy?  argh.  Starting things is always so damn hard for me.  I'm probably over-thinking again, still, ...always.

Check Engine

I should do something about this.

Craig and I both did our daily sketching yesterday.  Yikes.  I didn't peek at Craig's, but mine was terrible!  I'm so very very very out of practice.  I actually ripped up my first attempt and started over.  I should've never let my skills slip so far.  It's a hard truth to face.  But then, this is why I made this resolution.  If I stick to it, it should all come back to me and hopefully I'll find myself drawing better than I ever have by the end of the year.  It's just that right now I am shamed by my lame scribblings.  *sigh*  Well, eyes on the prize and all that.

I also have a good start on my plans to see my first opera.  I bought tickets for Il Trovatore.  I was cheap frugal and got the worst most economical seats, which is something I don't usually do.  I'm usually willing to spring for really good seats (very rarely do I think the best seats are worth the price though), but damn, opera is expensive!  Plus, The Valentine Theater was recently damaged when a boiler blew (I think) and they're moving performances until it's repaired and passes inspection.  They should almost certainly have it usable by March, but it would be just my luck I'd spring for really good seats and then it'd get moved somewhere where the seating is nowhere near as good.  I'm really looking forward to this though!  Music and theater both really move me and I just can't imagine not falling in love with the opera experience.  It's definitely long past time I give it a try.  We're going to a 2pm performance and out to an early dinner after, so that'll be a fun day, and actually takes care of my "do something special at least once a month" resolution also, for March at least.

One day down, 365 (leap year) to go.

"Quit fucking around" is all well and good, but it could use a little direction.  There's an implied "and..." there that needs to be fleshed out.  Craig and I were talking today, and I want to jot some of this stuff down while it's fresh in my mind.

The theme for 2008 is looking to be mostly about experiences.  This is going to be an awesome year!

Matters of Maintenance:

• eat more produce
• eat reasonable portions
  
• be back into regular/non-plus size clothes by the end of the year
  
• keep studying and testing matters of nutrition with the end goal of getting off regular allergy and asthma meds
• get regular exercise
• keep working through reading pile, aiming for 3-4 books/month
• keep paring down possessions to just the essentials and the things that stir my soul
  

• do at least one sketch a day
• brush up on my calculus
  
• get the bikes out at least once a week in good weather
• restring racket and get back out on the tennis courts once in a while
• ...same with filling my basketball and cleaning up my rollerblades
• make it out to the symphony a couple of times this year
• don't miss any birthdays
• visit grandma at least once a month
• reclaim sacred space and use it
• keep trying to turn my black thumb green
• relearn piano and flute
• hone sewing skills
  

• learn sewing machine maintenance and repair
  
• learn carving
• take up Tai chi
• take up golf
  
• learn to play my guitar and the tin whistle we picked up in Ireland
• go to the opera at least once
• see/do something special: plan a day of adventure at least once a month, and a weekend away once per season

I got up yesterday dreading the day ahead of me.  Not only did I have the ongoing chaos of this week's to-do list, but it was errand day.  I *hate* running errands.  So I decided to do whatever I had to to make the day enjoyable.  I took the day off from work, made myself a list of the eight(!) stops I needed to make, grabbed my mp3 player, packed up the car and headed out.  Without work hanging over my head, I didn't feel pressured to speed through everything and race back home, and that took a ton of the suck out of errand day.  But to really turn "errands" into an enjoyable chore, I bought myself a latte, stopped at a bookstore's closing sale to load up on great books/deals, gave myself as much time browsing the craft store as I wanted (and still didn't leave with more than what I came for - go me!), and bought myself a tiny bouquet of fall flowers at the grocery.  I'm going to have to remember to give myself similar treats next errand day.  I might even start enjoying getting out of the house on my own once a week.

It's the remembering that's so tricky.  There's so much to remember when you're trying to live well.  Here's a quick list of some of the things I try to do every day, all in the name of living the good life:

• smile very first thing every day (this is reeeeeeally hard for me!)
• journal any dreams I had that are still with me
  
• find something about the day ahead to get excited about
• take a moment to be grateful for all the really good things in my life, especially husband, home, family and friends (easiest of all of these to do every day)
• make sure, when planning my day, I plan time for things I have to do as well as planning a little down time and most importantly some time working on my big goals in life
• if I can't get into good headspace, write morning pages
  
• always remember to be in the moment
• don't worry because it doesn't help
• keep some perspective
• go over my list of big goals and dreams and remind The Universe I want these things and I expect them
• remember that most things which I find unpleasant can be reworked and made more appealing
• always appreciate the wonder of it all
• address troublesome issues and then let them go - don't dwell
• cut off negative thoughts ASAP and replace them with something better
• get done whatever you can in a day and allow yourself to feel accomplished for it
  

I don't know.  That's like maybe 1/3 of all the things I try to keep in mind, but there's so much to remember that it's hard to recall it all.  I'd write it all down, but...  Hm.  Maybe I should write it all down.  Anyhow, so I have this long list of reminders to keep me moving in the right direction and having as good of a time as possible.  It's *A LOT* of work just keeping my head and attitude in check every day.  If I address even 10% of those things I try to remember in any given day, it's a good day.  I keep trying though.  Always.  The more of those I can keep in my head on any given day, the better that day winds up being.

One thing I REALLY HATE is when people tell me, "You're so lucky" or the dismissive, "You have it so good", as if I just stumble into all the blessings in my life.  I've worked HARD for everything I have.  Having a good life takes a ton of mental work, and mental work is exponentially more difficult to keep up with than physical work.  Some days I just don't have it in me to even try, but most days I do as much as I can.  Everything I have, excepting my blood family, I planned for.  I made lists and wishes and set goals and did that damned lemons-to-lemonade thing when needed.  Every really good day I have is good because I put effort into making it good.

Another thing I hate is hearing people bitch and moan when they're not even trying.  You have no right to complain that things are going wrong for you when you aren't putting effort into making things go right.

Ok.  This entry is running off in directions I didn't expect, so we'll just stop here.  I have to grab a mug of hot cider and go over my long term goals again.

New day, new week, new list, new plan.

Obviously, you can draw a line in the sand and start over any time you need to, but Mondays work best for me.

I'm just not all together too sure what it is I need to do different.  No, I do know some of it.  It's all kind of vague, isn't it?  That's the problem...one of them anyhow.  Something needs to be different though, very different.

Can you change your life around, bring it back to what you think it's supposed to be, with just a decision and some kind of a gesture of determination?  Is it really just being the fairy godmother to your own Cinderella?  Bibbity-bobbity-boo!...flying glitter...talking rats.......the Hanging Gardens of Babylon...Switzerland!......dreams come true?  I have to try.  I have to keep trying.

Stand back.  I don't want anyone getting glitter in their eyes...

My inner gypsy is beyond bored and well into insanely pissed.  My days are all the same: food, work, chores, work, bunny poo, work, errands, work, unscramble brain, food prep, food, food cleanup, vegetative state, bedtime.  My weekends contain a lot of the same, less work but more chores.  Occasionally there's a movie night or time with friends, but that's just a brief respite and then it's back to the same old-same old. 

I need to see/do something new!  Not as a once-in-a-while treat, but AS BLOODY OFTEN AS POSSIBLE!!!

This is just another one of the many reasons I can never have children.  Routine drives my INSANE!  I can't imagine how hellish a prison my life would feel if I had to provide regular meals and routines for needy wee ones.

And I've been working on documenting the same damn software for a year and a half now!  It is sooo hard to stay on task and keep your mind from wandering when you've been writing the same dry technospeak, looking at the same damn things over and over and over for well over a year!

I keep going through the motions because the house needs someone to keep it up, we need to eat, the bunnies need cleaning up after, we need the income.  I keep doing the same old thing because my husband seems to manage with his monotonous day-after-day routine at the office, so I should be able to manage my routines too.  This is life.  It's what people do.  But I CAN'T STAND THE MONOTONY!!!!

My life is *very* good.  I have nothing serious to complain about.  Usually I'm quite cheerful about all I've been blessed with.  But right now I'm rattling the bars on the cage and screaming inside.  I stand at the sink with my hands in the suds and all the days bleed together.  Sweeping up after the bunnies is a never-ending chore.  Documenting in the same format and style, just changing the words for each new screen.  Dragging my ass when it comes to the dreaded menu planning, trying to make it interesting with new recipes despite the fact that I still don't like to cook.

I need ...  I need something new.  I need the same old stuff to go away for a while, but that's not going to happen, so I need something new that's so huge that it's going to overshadow everything else.  I need something new to think about while I cleaning up after supper.  I need something that's exciting enough to push me through the dull work hours, something more than the same old things waiting for me when I walk away from my desk.  I need something that will take me somewhere, rather than all these things that make me feel like I'm spinning my wheels just to sink deeper in the mud.

I need a new plan, not the same old plans and dreams dusted off and reworded with fresh goals set, only to be laid aside for the demands of the routine.  I need to be totally serious about figuring out how to live a different life.

This is not about my husband.  He is everything to me, and I do not want a life without him in it.  This is just about me trying to keep me interested in my own life.  It's about being able to hold onto some passion and enthusiasm for more than a split second.  It's about needing to get closer to that "impossible" life I've always wanted, and stopping myself from always sliding into mindless routines.  Gods, how I HATE ROUTINES!!! 

I need to figure this out.