25 posts tagged “attitude”

Drinking green tea, trying to wake my brain.  I realize I haven't blogged in a while, ...well, it's been a while for me anyhow.  I've thought about it a few times, but I haven't really had any complete thoughts worth writing down.  Now my head is filled with lots of thought fragments and I just need to empty it and start over.

• The "summer months" (June-August) are more than half over, and we've only used our air conditioner for maybe two weeks total.  I hope the mild temps keep up.  I wouldn't hate summer quite as much if it was always like this.
• We've done the 4th, the Chicken Fest, and the BSAF kite games.  The last summer tradition is the Fulton County Fair, and we already have our season passes and our derby tickets!  So looking forward to it!  *squee!*
  
• Redid my old budget spreadsheet recently and realized how close we are to being debt-free.  Very exciting!  I've been dying for some retail therapy recently, but it's so hard to give in to even small indulgences with that goal so close.  I can't find anything I want bad enough these days, not with "debt-free" dangling like a carrot almost within my reach.  This is *very good*, and yet mildly irritating too.  I need to find a new method of "therapy".  heh.
  
• I do need to spend a bit on an exhaust fan for my glass studio.  I've been promising myself that for a year now, but procrastinating at the thought of having to wire it up and for fear of not getting it right.  Time to review all my research and put *something* together.  I will be buying the fan before the week is over.

That does lead me to one larger, more complete thought I've had rattling around my head this past week.  As a kid, I was very uptight and nervous.  Rules were important to me.  Perfection was something worth striving for.  A place for everything and everything in it's place.  I've spent most of my life trying to untie those knots at my core.  I've learned to loosen up, to roll with changes (mostly), and to accept that good enough is often just that.  I've recently realized that I've likely taken things too far the other way.  It's occurred to me that I've forgotten how to even want excellence.  I've gone from "I won't settle for anything but perfection," to "I can't achieve perfection so why try at all?"  I have to find the part of me that had the crazy ambitions, and rather than letting her take charge again, I need to introduce her to my inner engineer who knows that a lot of things are indeed impossible, but that "you can still get close enough for all practical purposes."

Bleh.  A lot of this noise would be better suited for morning pages.  I should get back to writing those again.

My neighbors had a fire going in their yard last night.  The smell of it was bothering my asthma, like smoke sometimes does.  I've seen lots of their stupid antics over the years, and honestly, I don't trust them to burn clean wood.  It wouldn't surprise me if they tore lead-paint covered boards off of their garage to burn them, burned pressure treated lumber, cut and burned some of that poison ivy tree growing up through their garage, burned garbage, ..., etc.  So I closed the windows.  This morning I was surprised at how smoky it still smelled downstairs, ...until I stepped out on the deck and saw a thick plume of smoke still rising from the fire pit.  It looks like there's a lid on it, but it must not be on tight.  So good of them to leave that smoldering all night.  Smoky the Bear would love them.   *rolls eyes*

I'm trying harder than ever to stay positive recently.  I've been trying to convince myself that the whole world has e.s.p. and can hear my every thought, so I'll quickly correct myself when even *thinking* catty things.  As you can see by the paragraph above, it's hella hard!  Yesterday it was me that was smoldering.  I was pretty sure this morning would be a pressure-releasing explosion of meanness.  I went to bed planning ways to curb the damage.  Then this morning I woke up with some pretty bad back pain just as Craig was coming up for his shower after working out.  He saw that I was awake and told me there was a rainbow over the house.        mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmjnh (bunny typing detected)

As I was saying...  :)  Rainbow.  It was starting in the western and slightly northern part of the sky, arching over our house towards the east.  I have *never* seen a rainbow run in that direction.  It was cool, and strange.  But it also softened up my mood quite a bit, so the tsunami of negativity that was threatening has subsided mostly, and it's back to the standard thought and attitude monitoring efforts.

I've really been noticing how very contagious negativity is.  It's kind of scary.  You try to share something uplifting, and a lot of people will resist and grumble and even avoid you or put you down for being too chipper.  But then one person says something crabby and it starts an avalanche of pissing, moaning and fighting.  I can still feel the pull to join in, but I've been better than ever at zipping my lip when I've nothing nice to say, so the effort to keep my head space clean must be paying off already.  Hopefully it will get easier.

Mia has been doing ok this week.  She still prefers "the bunny room" to the living room, where Craig and I can usually be found.  I've moved some of her rugs out, and one of her houses (boxes), and I scatter Cheerios and raisins around in the livingroom to try to convince her that is the place to be.  She prefers the bunny room though.  And she still seems to be looking for Jasmine once in a while.  She's started snuggling with Jasmine's toy rabbit though, so I'm hoping that's progress.

She won't let me put her harness on her yet, but I feed her treats through the collar and she pokes her head through it to get them, and I sometimes just lay the thing on her back which she barely even notices, so that's good.  I leave it on the floor for her to investigate whenever she wants and get used to.  Everything has to go so.very.slowly with rabbits.  Being prey, they're usually extremely slow to trust and adapt to change.  I would absolutely love to let her run around the yard this morning though.  It's so hard to resist the temptation to force her into her harness and carry her outside, which would probably traumatize her so much that it would be the last time we'd ever get her outside.  :/.  ....But then, the yard is still filled with smoke from whatever the neighbors were (are?) burning, so today probably isn't the best day for playing outside anyhow.

First, my OCD has been crazy this week, related to that work anxiety I blogged about earlier, I'm pretty sure.  It's the personal challenges that I've been struggling with.  Damn near turned my ankle trying to be on the stairs before the chorus of a song could start, and almost shut my fingers in the front door trying to get it shut and locked before the next car could drive by.  For no damn reason.  The stupid thoughts pop up in my head so fast, and there's not time to be rational about them.  My only thought is "OH GOD, HURRY!"  I really need to exercise some chill and come back to reality a little before I do get hurt.  These crazy adrenaline rushes for *ABSOLUTELY **NO** REASON* are not fun.

And second, I've seen a lot of people arguing Facebook needs a "Don't Like" companion to the "Like" option.  Gods how I hope FB doesn't go that route.  If they do, you might as well call it what it really is, "Piss on This Parade".  I guess it would make it easier to identify the self-important wankers though.  If you disagree with someone on something important enough that you feel you need to tell them so, it's also important enough to take the time to do so with some explanation.  If you just want to make it known that you don't like whatever they're geeked about, you're just being a jerk.  Been there, done that, grew up

I've been managing to stay off allergy meds so far this season, though the mornings are brutal.  My symptoms seem to mellow out by lunch time though, so I'm still not wanting to take my meds and endure the craptastic side-effects.

It's been a rough week or so though.  Allergies, hormonal issues, sleeping problems ...all likely related.  There have been a few terrifying health crises in the family.  There was a yelling match with my dad.  (Well, really, he pushed the buttons and I did all the yelling.)  My brain has been quite scrambled which makes every minute of work a constant uphill battle.  I've had my moments of losing my cool (yelling at Dad, blowing up in my blog, pouting, etc.), but for the most part I've been pretty good about riding out everything going on.  What can you do?  Life has these cycles.  I believe you can choose how you feel about things.  I may react in the heat of it all, but when my senses return I choose to believe that everything will work out in the end, and the bigger picture is still sunny and full of opportunities and blessings.

Life has had it's rough spots the past several days, but there's still a lot of good going on.

I spent some time online shopping for warmer weather clothes, and my purchases have started arriving.  I have a fun trench coat that I need to exchange for a smaller size, but the dress I fell in love with when I saw it online fits like it was tailor-made for me, *and* the materials and construction are of excellent quality!  I *LOVE* my new dress!  I don't know if we'll be dressing up for easter visiting, but you'd better bet I'm finding as many reasons as possible to wear my new dress in the coming months!

My interchangeable knitting needles came in the mail today!  Just in the nick of time too.  The project I'm working on has just about outgrown the circulars I have it on.  I love these needles!  This was a very good investment!  I have to get out my label maker today and label and arrange the storage case.  (Organizational lust!)  I'm also at a point where I need to make a new set of stitch markers for this project.  ...Which brings me to:

BEADS!  It's torching weather again!  I've got a little cleaning and organizing to do in the mudroom today, and then I'm setting up my torch!!!  *SQUEE!*  I will be ordering an exhaust fan before next week is over too (FINALLY!) so I can get my kiln fired up here soon!  I'm so excited to get back to hot glass though!  I've been daydreaming about making ribbon cane and hollow beads for weeks.  :)

Craig and I only have two weeks left of art class, and we've been talking about what comes next.  We'd discussed taking a break from classes and just practicing what we've learned so far, mostly for the financial reasons, but then the new course catalog came in the mail!  heh.  I'm 99.99% sure we're signing up for beginning welding!  It's not terribly expensive and it's one of the few crafts that neither of us has any experience in.  There's an initial five week course, with a continuing second five weeks you can register separately for.  It's looking like we're going to sign up for the first five and just try it to see if we want to continue with the second five.  ...I can almost guarantee we would though, what with the way we collect hobbies.  :)

It's almost noon and my nose has finally stopped running!  YAY!!!!!!   Now, I've got some work to do if I'm going to set up my torch today.  I love weekends!!!!!!!!!!

I'm thinking life is all mirrors.  Everyone knows the importance of perspective, but it's important to remember your perspective is literally a reflection of you.  Everyone knows you'll be presented with whatever you're putting out into the world.  If you put good energy out, you get good energy back.  Bad out, bad bouncing back.  Mirrors.  Everywhere.

I was feeling irritable today, and when I couldn't soothe myself, I wrote my morning pages, arguing with myself about the things that were irritating me.  I've always had a theory that you should pay close attention to the annoying people in your life, because they are your karma.  They annoy you because you are seeing in them some aspect of yourself that you would rather not see, and what's more annoying than being forced to look at your own flaws, flaws you've tried to cover up so you wouldn't have to see them?  Nothing is more annoying than that.

The mirror analogy also works when trying to figure out why people do the things they do, why they treat you the way they treat you.  Everybody has their own perspective, they're seeing mostly who they are when they look at you.  In psycho-babble, I believe it's called "projecting".  When someone is having a bad day and you're full of smiles, you irritate them because by your very smile you're reminding them that they are unhappy and unpleasant to be around.  When someone makes a snide remark about something you're wearing, it's probably because they have such a low self-image that they fret about how they look all day long, and you're reminding them that they don't always look as sleek and together as they'd like to.  ...And so forth and so on....

Mirrors.  Think about it.

And, annoying people are your karma.

[rattles can for nickels to remind you it's time to pony up]

Now, I apparently have some *REALLY* annoying issues I need to work through so, if you'll excuse me...

I seem to have run over a milestone.  I think I felt something jarring under my tires, but it's really hard to say when you're doing donuts, hanging out the window, singing at the top of your lungs to the song on the radio.  I'm pretty sure I ran over something though... several times.  heh

I've had a lot to think about this week, well I always do, but things have been falling so nicely into place for a change.  I'm just about a month from my 38th birthday celebration, and I think I've finally grown up ...just a *wee* bit.

What does it feel like?  Hmm.  More stable, really.  I'm not as easily baited, not as tempted to get riled up when I know having a fit won't change things, not as willing to let myself be swept along by crazy mood swings.  I'm so much more content keeping to myself.  I don't feel like I have *ANYTHING* to prove to *ANYONE*, and yet I finally can feel a genuine need for self-improvement that comes only from within, only for my own benefit, not for some stupid dog and pony show or silly competition with the Joneses, whoever the hell they are.  I like who I am, a lot.

I've been working through these things in fits and starts for years, but very recently it's all kind of arranged itself into place and anchored itself down.

Don't get me wrong!  I'm still going to eat too much candy, occasionally drink too much, have dessert before dinner when the urge strikes, play in the rain, dance and sing like a fool, still doing donuts while squealing like a banshee, ..., etc.  Being a grown up comes with so much responsibility, and membership MUST have its privileges!  I'm just feeling more in control; I'm not dead inside.

I'm thinking about rearranging my online presence.  I may delete my LJ.  Facebook may go too.  I'll probably keep my VOX, and MySpace serves as a nice little calling-card for any old friends that might want to look me up.  ...Well, that's my current thinking anyhow.  I'll mull it over for a while.  There's so much to do in the world, and I've been very undisciplined when it comes to letting the internet take precedence over my real world presence.

Speaking of real world, I have work to do.  I had some priorities rearranged at work yesterday, and that means I'll probably spend a few weekends working to adjust to the new deadline.  It's all good though.  I'll pay up a few weekends if that's the price for having this longterm albatross around my neck wrapped up and pushed away all the sooner. 

Fortunately, it's muggy as hell today - a good day for spending the whole day sitting in front of an air conditioner.

My Dearest Life,

How long are we going to play this game?  You knock me down, I'm going to get back up, every.damn.time.  You have more time than I do, you can easily outlast me, and you can hit me *very* hard while I can't hit back at all, but I'm still going to get back up.  I think I've proven this.  Haven't you seen the pattern?  I don't even have to think about it any more.  You pull the rug out from under me, and I'm getting back on my feet before I've even had time to process what just happened.  I don't even whine and cry most of the time any more.  I'm *NOT* the roll over and wet yourself type, and I think I've made that very clear.  If anything, I'm feeling more and more of the fight in me with every push you send my way.  I will keep getting up now out of sheer stubbornness, if for no other reason.  You *will not* win.

So must we continue this test?  Aren't you convinced?  Aren't you bored yet?  Wouldn't you rather get on to the next part, the part where you start sending me the things I want, useful things, and we carry on in harmony rather than conflict?  We could do some great things together, you and I.  I want to help you do great things.  I want to help other people, and to help them do great things.  You can keep using your resources to try to roll me, or you can take me on in a more cooperative way and we can get some stuff done together. 

...Or, we can carry on like we always have: down, up, down, up, down, up, ...  I will keep standing back up though.  I will keep fighting the only way I can, by getting right back in your face as quickly as possible.  Isn't that getting a little monotonous for you?  Because, I'll be honest here, I'm actually starting to enjoy the fight.  I'm in a fighting mood.

I hope we can negotiate a new, cooperative relationship.  I would very much like to work *with* you.  Until we can come to those terms, I promise you, I will haunt you.  You will see me and hear me everywhere.  I'm on you like a shadow until I've proven to your satisfaction that I'm ready and worthy.  ...I am rubber, you are glue....

With all due respect,
Jen, The Rebounder

I just heard my first cicada of the season while I was outside hanging up the wash.  I love that noise.

It's a gorgeous day!  The humidity is still noticeably high, but the temperature is pleasant, the sky is blue and there's a nice breeze blowing.  All things considered, I can't complain.

And, I have my mojo back.

Life is good.

Good days only happen once in a while.  Usually, I have to work for a good day.  Today I'm having to work really hard just to keep the day from being a disaster.  :/  ...Is there a "reset" button?

But, I officially ordered my kiln last night, and that pleases me quite a bit.  I ordered it from a very nice man.  Even though I about swallowed my tongue in panic because he needed to talk to me on the phone to complete the transaction, he was very nice to talk to.  It was my first chance to actually talk glass with someone, and that was kind of a thrill in a cheesy way.  And as for the kiln, after much research I'm convinced it's the best kiln I could get, and I got it at the best price available.

Um...  yeah.  That's all I have today.  ...After deleting all the venting and swearing anyhow.  *bites tongue hard*

Ok.  Back to trying not to stew over stupid shit.  Back to trying to work out the kink in my neck.  Back to work.  Pft.

I'm so glad we have our vacation coming up soon.  My joie de vivre is on life support, and I'm still having to revive it daily.  It's difficult to get anything at all done when nothing seems worthwhile.