31 posts tagged “anxiety”
I need some gum and a neck rub. My jaw is so tired and sore, my neck and shoulders so knotted, ...for days now.
I bailed on the funeral today. I'm not proud of it, but I am glad I didn't go. I got up early and got my shower and workout out of the way so I could go. I ate a high fiber cereal and some yogurt for breakfast to anchor my nervous stomach. But when it came time to put up my hair and hit the road, I totally chickened out. My stomach started rolling, my blood pressure shot up and I was shaking and dizzy. Stupid nerves. It was the usual social anxiety plus dreading driving myself to the nasty part of town where the funeral home is plus dreading being introduced to 3rd and 4th cousins, all on top of other stress I'm dealing with this week. I started feeling like I was going to throw-up and/or pass out, and I totally bailed. Instead, I put some comfy clothes back on, lit a candle for my dad's Aunt Helen, wished her well on her journey, and asked her to say hi to my Dziadzi for me. I do need to call my dad and apologize though. I hope he understands.
The plumber came by with a contract yesterday. $4800 worth of work to be done. Aieee! It's kind of working out that we're saving money actually though. We were told our water main was ready to fail at any time last year, so we've had our fingers crossed on that for a while now, knowing what a huge and expensive project it would be. Now our sewer line received the same diagnosis, with a quote of $3500'ish just for a new sewer line. So we're saving quite a bit of money by having them both replaced in only one dig-up-the-yard event. I'm trying to remind myself of that anyhow. The near $5k bill still hurts.
But, the work is scheduled for the week we'll be in Ireland after all. Both Craig and the plumber really thought that was fortunate timing. I'm a little antsy about having people in my house while we're half a world away, but the plumber is a good guy, and as long as he's over-seeing things, I can feel some peace-of-mind. ...or at least keep telling myself I do. It's not that I'm afraid of anything going missing. My house is just completely sacred space to me, and it feels very wrong to have near strangers moving through it while I'm so far away. It'll be ok though. And, we won't have to worry about coping without usable plumbing while the work is done.
As for the party planning, ...oy. Lots of little twists and turns there, but the head party-planner is a smart and sassy, dedicated woman and she's ironing out all the wrinkles one by one. I'm going to have to find some way to show my appreciation for her efforts in all of this. Right now my role is pretty straight-forward: I have location and beverages. *breathes* It's going to be ok.
Tomorrow is Mia's vet appointment. *Fingers crossed* that all goes well there and they say she's fit to board.
...One thing at a time.
...And later, batting my eyes at my husband to ask him to work out the knots in my neck.
We had a long holiday weekend. Craig took Thursday and Monday off, in addition to having Friday off. Stuff happened.
My mental "week" started off last Tuesday when I had a pretty big anxiety attack. I was beyond the "exercise or meditate" remedies and couldn't think of any other way to calm myself down, so I added a little pomegranate liqueur to some soda and had that with my lunch. I had goggled "anxiety and alcohol", just to make sure it wasn't going to make me feel worse, and came up with page after page of warnings about needing 12-step programs and such. In the moment, I felt really low for resorting to alcohol as a remedy, but a) it worked, b) it worked fast, and c) once I was past the panic, I realized that I only have these attacks once or twice a year, and if a little bit of very weak alcohol helps me calm down once or twice a year, I really don't think I have a problem. Plus, d) less side-effects to worry about than pharmaceutical remedies. The next day we were talking with a coworker who brews beer, discussing the stigma of alcohol in the US. He had taken some European visitors out for breakfast, and was amused when they blew the waitresses mind by trying to order beer in the morning. So I've decided not to feel bad about having a sip with my lunch to bring my brain back to reality, stop the tears, and calm my racing heart and trembling hands. It wasn't a fifth of anything or even a whole glass of wine. It was a shot of very low alcohol content liqueur in some soda, and it calmed me down perfectly.
Wednesday I went to the office with Craig. I had a big meeting I preferred to actually attend rather than call in to, and my car was in the shop for a leaky master cylinder. It was to be a longer-than usual meeting discussing things that completely mix up my to-do list, but in a good way I think. Craig was more than willing to use my "needing a ride home" at lunch time as an excuse to take some well-deserved comp time and start the weekend early. We had Thai for lunch, ran some errands and went home to chill.
I don't honestly remember everything we did this weekend, but we did set up our new tent. It's pretty awesome. It was super easy to set up (and take down). We did sleep in it one night, a little backyard camping, which was my first time sleeping in a tent. Very relaxing to be outside, even if it was only in our backyard. Amazingly cold too, for July! I can't wait to actually go camping some time soon, after Mia settles into a new routine and I can board her for the weekend without worrying about her.
We also had our traditional 4th of July picnic and enjoyed the fireworks at BG, even with the rude people there. If you're going to play catch in the middle of a crowd of picnickers, you'd better be able to actually ...you know, CATCH!!! We had a ton of near misses with a baseball, and the same group tossed a football that would've turned over a chair and hit Craig right in the head if we hadn't been paying attention to their dumb game of almost-catch. I was fantasizing about stabbing the football with my pocket knife each time it landed next to us, and handing it back that way.
The fireworks themselves were most enjoyable, and highly entertaining. They seemed a little sparser than in previous years, and I figured it was a budget thing, times being what they are. After the finale, there was a huge encoure though, and then a second one. And then as everyone was walking back to their cars, large fireworks continued to go off in the sky for another 15 minutes or so. Methinks they had some wiring/fuse issues. :) They were gorgeous, as always though, and the crowd watch in near silent awe, except when the perfect smiley face burst over all our heads and cracked everyone up. :)
Sunday morning we went out for breakfast, and after being playfully harassed by the waitress and enjoying a good meal, we were told that some other couple had paid our bill with the message, "Have a nice day." Craig and I were momentarily stunned by the act of kindness. It's silly how stupid difficult it was to process a random kind deed like that without suspicion and intense curiousity. Our waitress winked and said, "I think you have an admirer, and I think it was HIM, not her." Then Craig tripped a circuit in her brain when he replied, "I'm ok with that. I'll take any admirers I can get these days!" *L* :) We picked an older couple in the restaurant and anonymously paid for their breakfast before we left, passing on the good deed.
We also had a too-brief visit from some good friends this weekend, we did a little antiquing, Craig worked on a project in the garage, ....um, I don't know what else. Sunday and Monday my thoughts were pretty much all on Jasmine.
Yesterday, on our way home from the vet, we stopped and picked up a harness and leash for Mia. We're going to have to provide her with a lot more entertainment and enrichment now that she's without bunny companionship. I'm going to *TRY* to leash train her so I can take her out in the yard once in a while. I may build a rabbit run too, but with the feral cats and eagles and some toxic plants and the large deck to hide under and her natural ability to dig and run fast... well I'm not going to be letting her have the run of the yard. I figured we'd try the harness thing first. We picked out an obnoxiously pink harness and leash, with a blinged out heart on it. I don't know why. It made me laugh when I was feeling down, so Mia must suffer it ...at least until she chews it to shreds. :)
So the "week" started with an anxiety attack and ended with the sad loss of a furry friend, but there was a lot of good stuff in between last Tuesday and yesterday.
And now, Mia seems to have fallen asleep with her eyes open, like she does, so I'm going to get up off this hard floor, go hang up some laundry, and actually try to get some work done.
I had a HUGE crush on Michael Jackson back in his Thriller days. As someone who *LOVES* dance and all kinds of music, I found him so innovative and magical. He never stood a chance at a normal life, what with his family life and the greedy yes-men around him telling him time and time again how awesome he was. That's not an environment conducive to growing up or maturing or doing anything but festering in your own ego and always hungering for something real that you can't quite identify. His fortune and fame weren't worth that price, and through all the crazy stories and accusations and possibly even crimes, I always felt bad for him and wondered how different he'd be if he'd had to live in the real world. He was gifted though, and the world seems a whole lot less glamorous and magical without him. -My blog, my feelings.
I've been dreaming *A LOT* about loved ones in the past week or so, both people I've lost touch with, and people lost to this world. It's been nice visiting with everyone ion my head, even people I don't think I'd actually get along with should we run into each other again. ...I have to admit, it has me rethinking that. Who really is the same person they were years ago, or even last week? I know I'm sure as hell not. We all live and learn and adapt. It's been good food for thought.
I'm procrastinating starting my day. Yesterday was a complete loss. I'm at the end stage of a project, and tying up loose ends gives me a hell of a lot of anxiety. My performance anxiety has nothing to do with crowds of people or approval, but EVERYTHING to do with the integrity of my work - knots must be tied impossibly tightly, ts crossed, every last scrap of data accounted for, ... I get so nervous when I see the finish line, it sometimes makes me physically sick. I'm trying so hard to change my thinking. My daily affirmations this week have been all about trying to rewire my brain into having faith in my own work. It's not working yet, but I'm not giving up until it does.
Been very much in the mood for singing cowboys lately. I do love a deep warbly voice. "The Highway" on Sirius radio is pretty decent, but not quite hitting the mark. I wish I could tune in the local country station.
Ok. That's enough. I had more thoughts I wanted to jot down, but they don't seem as pressing right now. Time to give Jasmine her meds and get some work done.
Still fighting my funk. It's the mornings that are the worst. It's so difficult to get our of bed each day. More of the same. Not that the same is bad! No, not at all. It's just monotonous. Work has my brain all tied up in terrible knots with words and procedures and I really don't feel like I'm ever going to get out. (It's always darkest before the dawn. I'm very near the end of this stretch and it's pitch black.) Housework just keeps accumulating. I make clean spots and try to keep them up, but most days I just can't bring myself to care, not at all. My calendar is filled with fun things, but being me, even fun things breed anxiety. (Dreading tonight's art class right now, even though I know I'll be so happy I went.)
It's a stupid, pointless funk. Even in my low moods I can look at it logically and I know these blahs have nothing to them, but I still can't shake them.
At least I can't shake them until lunch time. The later in the day it gets, the more stable I feel. I do things to pick myself up and smack myself out of it. But then I go to bed, and start all over again each morning.
This book kept coming to my attention from various sources, and in looking into it, Norris explains acedia is a weariness of the soul. She goes on to speak of disdain for routine, a shunning of all things social, and a heaviness that comes with severe lethargy. That so perfectly describes what I'm feeling that I finally took the hint and picked the book up. I was worried all the Christianity would be a turn-off, and it is a bit difficult to wade through when she gets heavily into theology, scripture and church dogma, but I'm finding the practical wisdom of the Benedictine monks right on target, useful and extremely comforting.
I've highlighted the hell out of this book and I'm still thinking I'm going to need a reread, many rereads. There have been a small handful of books I've read with which I identify so completely that I would consider them essential reading in understanding me, and this is definitely the newest to make that short list. So much of what she writes just really speaks to me. I have so many quotes from this book jotted down right now, but I would think most would only make sense to me. I do keep coming back to this comforting and grounding quote though:
"Were I to approach an abba or amma asking for a 'word' to help me cope with the assaults of acedia on my soul, I would likely be reminded that if I am especially susceptible to acedia, it is because I harbor within myself the virtue of zeal."
I don't know. My head is a bit of a jumble. I know more sleep would help. I need to start doing whatever it takes to sleep through the night, even if it means medicating myself, or running around the block until my head is clear and I'm ready to collapse. Whatever it takes. I think I need to stay the hell away from the tv and news until I feel better. The current state of this country is a complete downer, to put it lightly.
At least I'm recovering at the end of each day. That's an improvement from the constant dreary fog of the past few weeks.
Anyhow, that's all I want to say about that. I need to get out of my head for a while now. ...And I need to get ready for art class, even though I have half a dozen reasons why I should skip it screaming in my head right now.
Drawing class looks to be a really good experience. I totally lucked out because we're learning a technique I've never been taught before, not in any of my previous art classes or any of the books I've studied, and it's the sketching technique I've always wanted someone to teach me. I've always been able to draw, detail by tiny detail, but I've never really learned to sketch. We have a really nice and knowledgeable teacher who does a good job of getting around the room to give lots of one-on-one time, and in the next ten weeks I'm confidant that I'm finally going to really learn how to draw.
It was tougher class than I'd expected though, because it's such a fast and free way of putting things down and I've always been slow and methodical. I was kind of expecting the typical first day of art class exercise where you're given a box, ball, cone and cylinder and taught basic geometry and a bit of perspective and value. Instead we were given produce and told to draw it using only circles, then just squares and finally triangles. It was very hard for me to keep loose and just fill my paper with scribbles. I spent two hours scribbling unrecognizable peppers and tomatoes when I knew that I could've drawn those things quite accurately in that time. It was amazingly hard for me to move in the way I was instructed and see myself filling my page with mess yet still not beat myself up for it, but rather trust that I'm going to benefit from this. I had to keep reminding myself that I was there to get past a huge creative block and to learn a technique I've always wanted to learn, and that I had to trust in the process. Overall, it was a very good time and I'm definitely psyched for the next class.
I knew the price of the class included supplies and I was expecting some pencils and paper, but WHOA! We hit the jackpot! We each got a 24"x26" clipped and banded drawing board, an 18"x24" sketch pad, a set of four woodless pencils, a set of 10 Prismacolor graphite pencils in a tin, a gum eraser, a kneaded eraser, blending stomps, a sandpaper block and a top-of-the-line pencil sharpener. There are just a few more things we're supposed to pick up for ourselves yet, but damn, that's a haul! :) It was like back-to-school and Christmas joy, all rolled into one.
The sucky part of the day was my headache. Thanks to my social anxieties, I had a headache for most of the day from the stress of anticipating a new experience. Spending two and a half hours in the class under fluorescent lights and more than a dozen worklights at various angles just brought my headache to migraine status. By the time I went to bed, I had the nausea coming on. The only thing I could think to do was take Excedrin for it to keep from getting to that crawling to the bathroom to throw up stage, but the caffeine in that stuff also kept me from being able to sleep it off. It was a loooong and miserable night. Normally when I can't sleep, I read or watch some tv, but with migraines the eyes need to stay very closed. It was a very boring and painful night. Even the chirping crickets were making me nauseous.
Also, being an over-stimulated social defect, I think I may have embarrassed an old high school classmate when the instructor was taking attendance and I excitedly shouted, "I THOUGHT I KNEW YOU!" upon hearing her name called. She nodded and looked down after making just the briefest split-second of eye-contact, then seemed to do her best not to look my way the rest of the evening. Social graces were never a gift of mine. I'll have to apologize the next time I see her. Ug. I'm such a clod.
Between having my house invaded twice this week, some pretty unpleasant PMS, a full calendar between now and Sunday, and work just not going well this week, I have 101 little things I really want to whine about right now. I'm holding back, but it's soooo hard. This introvert is terrifying close to a messy shutdown though.
I wish I was some huge movie star or something, so I could have "my people" clear my calendar and tell the world that I'm feeling under the weather while I sneak off to some uber-secret spa and hide from the world for a few days. Gods, that would be perfect.
Yeah, this whining is me trying not to whine. This is just the tip of a massive iceberg though. I'm still doing really well on that holding back thing ...at the moment.
argh.
And I'm mad at one of my bunnies right now too, while my heart aches for the other. Yeah, Jasmine is still looking for bunny fellowship and trying to make peace with Mia, and Mia is still biting her every chance she gets.
ARGH!
*deep breath* I have to calm myself and give my dad a call here, so I can discuss carpooling with him to Cleveland and back (in the snow!) for a kid's birthday party on Saturday. *teeth gnashing angst*
ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(This is still me holding back.)
I'm really bummed about the lack of snow. The forecast looked so great yesterday that I excitedly I planned my day around "things to do while watching the snow fall". Now we have bone-chilling damp and rain and the last thing I want to do is hang out around windows. It's lame to be this thrown by a lack of snow, I know, but still I'm pacing and pouting and I can't seem to do anything more productive than light candles to drive away the gloom and chill. meh.
Green tea seems to be doing a world of good as far as my mental health goes. The book on cortisol I just read had a ton of nutritional suggestions for keeping anxiety at bay. I put in a vitamin order once I saw what was recommended, but green tea was recommended too, and that's something I had in my cupboard and could start immediately. Green tea is high in theanine which increases the brain's alpha wave output and brings about a state of relaxed awareness, emphasis on the "relaxed" for my purposes. Theanine also counteracts most of the stimulating effects of caffeine (and the decaffeinating process removes theanine, so decaf wouldn't serve my purposes anyhow), but I'm getting a lot of headaches since I've upped my green tea intake, and I don't think it's just coincidental. The book recommended 3-4 cups of green tea a day, which is a ton, IMO. I've been drinking two a day, but I think I'm going to cut back to one and see if the headaches go away. I have noticed a *SIGNIFICANT* drop in my anxiety levels (especially for this time of year!) and since the green tea is the only real change so far... If the headaches go away with less tea that'll be good. If my mood takes a dive though, I'll be looking for theanine in pill form. That's good stuff.
I feel all girly because I bought new makeup recently. I rarely ever wear any, but I do like to have some on hand for special occasions. I know you're not supposed to keep makeup for more than six months, but since I so rarely wear it, I've hung on to all of mine for way too long, even though I'm pretty damn squicky over germs and bacteria and all the little ickies. Getting new makeup was a bit of a treat for me, but now some time today I need to go through all my old stuff in every drawer and basket and purse and pitch it *all*. Part of me knows I'll hesitate over the "waste" and the pretty colors, but it needs to be done. Part of me is excited about getting rid of all that old, rarely used junk. I have to remember this lesson and not be tempted by pretty colors and packaging any more. The collection I just bought, which all fits in one tiny 5"x8" bag, should be all I need, and won't be all that painful to pitch when it expires, ...especially not when I remember how nice it is to get fresh stuff!
I've been wanting to go through my closet too. My wardrobe is sad. I want to buy a few new pieces, but what I *REALLY* want is to sew some nice things for myself. I have some great ideas and I have a huge fabric collection, lots of raw materials I really love. I want to get deep into design and sewing so bad right now! My machine is borked though. I ordered a book on sewing machine repair because I have enough problems with that machine that it frustrates the hell out of me, and I'm pretty sure my problems are all my fault and should be things I can fix myself. I have a sewing machine ignorance problem I'm looking to remedy, but in the mean time I'm terribly unsatisfied with my crappy clothes.
I spent some time in recent days shopping for pretty clothes online. I checked out the crappy sites and the way expensive sites and a few in between, and I'm coming up with NOTHING. I wanted a nice skirt and top for the holiday visiting, or a basic dress, maybe a good sweater. I thought I'd check out what the stores are pimping this season online first, and then head out to any stores that offered *anything* that caught my attention, but I'm just not liking anything. (WTH is up with sleeveless/short-sleeved dresses for WINTER holidays???) This is why I'm never very happy with my clothes. When I'm in the mood to shop for something nice, I can't find anything that appeals to me. If I wind up buying something it's usually a "settle for this" kind of a thing. It's probably because I can sew, so I get these ideas in my head about exactly what I want. argh. I really need to get my sewing machine singing again before this mood leaves me and I fall back into the rut where my schlumpy, old clothes all hang. In the mean time though, if anyone wants to share their favorite place to looks at clothes online with me, I'd appreciate having something options to look through.
ARGH! I'm so frakkin' cold! Wet and cold together sucks.
And, there you have it, my first meltdown of the holiday season, tears and all. Hopefully I'm just getting it out of the way early and that will be the only one, because I really thought I was prepared to just go with the flow this year and enjoy life. At least I sucked it up enough to talk it out and make it all blow over in less than an hour. Last year I mostly cried in secret for over a week. ...I suppose I could wind up like others in my family and acquire festive holiday prescriptions. We speak very lightly of that in my family, but mostly we find we can giggle over it because we all know how much the chemical supplements are needed and how much it helps. I'd really rather not go that route though. Really.
I do not like this aspect of my personality, not one bit. I wish it was easier to change, or at least figure out how to cope better. I think I'm making progress though.
Apologies and gratitude to my husband for putting up with this major flaw in my software.
When in danger
...
or in doubt
...
run in circles
...
scream and shout
...
MR. G'S!
...
It doesn't help a ton, but oddly enough, it does help a little.
Craig left early this morning to go volunteer at WoodCraft's "Turn for Troops" day, where the store provides materials and equipment and asks that people come in to turn pens to be sent to the troops for Christmas. Craig is getting quite a good reputation for his pens, so they asked him to come in and help out, and he's planning on being there all day. I wanted to do something too, so I made cookies last night for everyone to munch while they work. I made snicker-doodles and chocolate espresso cookies. Mmm.
So Craig will be gone until after 4pm, just like a work day. And I have work to do today, just like a work day. It's going to feel like a super short weekend.
I'm going to start out the day my way though. I'm making myself a nice breakfast, treating myself to a pumpkin spice latte (homemade) and spending the rest of the morning in my room crafting and watching Angel DVDs. I'll work this afternoon.
The no coffee thing most definitely seems to help with the sleep. Three days clean, and three nights of good sleep. I don't even drink that much regularly. I'll have a cup or two maybe 3-4 days a week. My mom had a bad bout of caffeine poisoning once though, and I mean they had her seeing neurologists and getting CAT scans trying to figure out what was wrong with her it was that bad, so maybe my system just is naturally lower tolerance. *shrug* Whatever. I'm having a latte today!
Got another free book in the mail yesterday for reviewing. I really like the way that works!!! :) This one is on cortisol, and it's terrifically interesting. So far I've read about stress in the modern era and how our bodies are made to "fight or flight" as a coping mechanism for stress, but you can't cope that way with traffic and financial troubles and work deadlines, so we're prone to longterm elevated levels of cortisol in our systems, which leads to heart disease, diabetes, obesity, fibromyalgia, anxiety, depression ...the whole list of modern ailments making headlines. I'm still in the early chapters which discuss the physiology of cortisol and stress response, but I'm looking forward to the later chapters which propose natural ways to lower cortisol levels.
A'ight. Breakfast, latte, crafting, Angel, work, more baking, groceries, cleaning, ...thpthptph. I guess I have my day all planned out.
