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I don't believe in regrets.  I'm so very happy with my life as it is now, with all the experiences I've had and all the fabulous people I'm privileged to have known.  Every once in a while I do let a "what if" wander through my brain though.  There's only really one I'm at all interested in, and sometimes I just wonder how things might be different if I'd made a different choice.

The biggest "what if" in my life to date is, "What if I'd studied art instead of engineering?"  I honestly don't remember why I made the choice I did.  I remember my elders and mentors praising me for even considering engineering, telling me it would provide a secure future.  I know science has always excited me, and I remember being eager to learn the answers to a whole bunch of why/how questions in my studies.  But I don't remember what that extra bit of motivation was that made me choose the difficult and exciting road of science over my passion, the one thing I was always thoroughly content doing, art. 

I don't regret my choice, even though I hated most of my classes, quickly realized I did NOT want to work as an engineer EVER, and quit just shy of qualifying for graduation when the money and my stamina ran out.  That path lead me to some of the happiest memories and opportunities of my life, and even some extremely difficult moments that are still precious to me for their lessons.  It was a most excellent adventure.

But, ...what if?  What if I had chosen what I knew, what I felt was me to my core?  It seemed like the easy path then because I knew I loved art with every fiber of my being.  Did I pass it over because it seemed too easy?  Would it have been fulfilling and natural to me?  Surely there would've been just as many challenges down this road.  That's just how life works, right?  I just couldn't see them around the corners.  I didn't get that cliff-diving adrenaline rush thinking about doing what I know and love.  I was probably craving the excitement of the unknown over comfortable familiarity.  But what would life have been like down that path?  I honestly wonder.

Yesterday, while cleaning out an old box of memories I haven't touched in ten years or more, I found a letter from an art professor at the university I attended.  I would've been a junior in high school when I got this.  The important part reads:

Congratulations on the acceptance of your art work in the 31st Downtown Art Exhibition.

I would be happy to meet with you and show you around the studios of the University Art Department at the Museum.  [contact info]

Once again, congratulations on your success.

I don't remember this letter at all.  It was already haunting my dreams last night though, just hours after finding it.  I can't imagine that it wouldn't have made my heart skip a beat with excitement, that it didn't make me second guess the whole engineering thing.  It chokes me up a little now.  It's always been a dream of mine to make my living by making art, even when I was being romanced by science and engineering.  Why didn't I at least go take a look?  ...I probably didn't have any faith in my own work.  I can kind of remember thinking there was no way I was talented enough to follow that path.  Engineering must've seemed so much more promising.  Heh.  I've never worked as an engineer though, and I'm still pining for an artist's life.  Live and learn.

Well, the beautiful thing about life is that it's never too late to chase your dreams.  University was a grand adventure, and engineering really was a delightful bitch of a challenge.  I learned so much, and made such good friends and priceless memories.  Maybe everyone has to spend some time in life doing something you don't want to do, and I was lucky to get that out of the way early and move on.  Now I just need to keep doing my best to forge a new path between the road I took and the one I could have taken.  I will get there somehow, dragging everything I found on that first road with me.

The vet appointment went well this morning.  Mia ***HATES*** to travel, and she was shaking and cowering in the corner of her carrier by the time we got to her appointment, but the vet said to put her carrier on the floor and let her come out on her own, and she seemed to really dig having some place new to explore.  Of course, she snorted and growled when they tried to examine her (that's my girl!), but I gave her a treat to calm her down, and then the vet tech gave her an extra treat just to spoil her ...and that calmed me down.  :)  Now I *know* they'll spoil her so hard while we're gone, she might not even want to come home with me.  *L*  Even though I told them I'd bring food and toys, they wanted to know all her favorite greens and how she likes to play, and they asked me if it was ok if they just let her have the run of the office while there's someone there.  :)  She's going to have a fine vacation herself while we're away and I have a lot more peace of mind about it all now.

I am so exhausted.  I thought I was run down yesterday, but multiply that weariness by at least ten for today, and add physical aches and pains.  I didn't get my neck rub last night, so maybe tonight.  I might take some Aleve in the mean time.

We went to meet up with the local NaNo group last night, and they broke me.  There were at least three loud conversations going on at that table at all times, and I couldn't follow any single one of them for more than a minute or two.  It was great to see everyone, but I just didn't have the energy to keep up, and all the chatter around the table was draining me at an incredible rate.  It never got to the point where I can't even make out words any more, but it was definitely headed that way.  I was having a hell of a time fighting the urge to put my head down and nod off.  Who knows what stupid stuff came out of my mouth.  I'm too beat to even care.

Today I'm utterly useless.  I keep forgetting what I'm doing.  (I started this entry an hour and a half ago.)  I think I'm falling asleep with my eyes open, the way I keep losing my place in everything I've tried to do.  It took me two hours after coming home this afternoon to drag my ass upstairs and put on comfier clothes.  I am completely wiped.

So the stress of the past few weeks is getting closer and closer to being history, now I just need some serious bounce-back time.  I think I'm going to put on some quiet instrumental music, and just play in my sketchbook a while.  Words are hurting my brain.

I need some gum and a neck rub.  My jaw is so tired and sore, my neck and shoulders so knotted, ...for days now.

I bailed on the funeral today.  I'm not proud of it, but I am glad I didn't go.  I got up early and got my shower and workout out of the way so I could go.  I ate a high fiber cereal and some yogurt for breakfast to anchor my nervous stomach.  But when it came time to put up my hair and hit the road, I totally chickened out.  My stomach started rolling, my blood pressure shot up and I was shaking and dizzy.  Stupid nerves.  It was the usual social anxiety plus dreading driving myself to the nasty part of town where the funeral home is plus dreading being introduced to 3rd and 4th cousins, all on top of other stress I'm dealing with this week.  I started feeling like I was going to throw-up and/or pass out, and I totally bailed.  Instead, I put some comfy clothes back on, lit a candle for my dad's Aunt Helen, wished her well on her journey, and asked her to say hi to my Dziadzi for me.  I do need to call my dad and apologize though.  I hope he understands.

The plumber came by with a contract yesterday.  $4800 worth of work to be done.  Aieee!  It's kind of working out that we're saving money actually though.  We were told our water main was ready to fail at any time last year, so we've had our fingers crossed on that for a while now, knowing what a huge and expensive project it would be.  Now our sewer line received the same diagnosis, with a quote of $3500'ish just for a new sewer line.  So we're saving quite a bit of money by having them both replaced in only one dig-up-the-yard event.  I'm trying to remind myself of that anyhow.  The near $5k bill still hurts.

But, the work is scheduled for the week we'll be in Ireland after all.  Both Craig and the plumber really thought that was fortunate timing.  I'm a little antsy about having people in my house while we're half a world away, but the plumber is a good guy, and as long as he's over-seeing things, I can feel some peace-of-mind.  ...or at least keep telling myself I do.  It's not that I'm afraid of anything going missing.  My house is just completely sacred space to me, and it feels very wrong to have near strangers moving through it while I'm so far away.  It'll be ok though.  And, we won't have to worry about coping without usable plumbing while the work is done.

As for the party planning, ...oy.  Lots of little twists and turns there, but the head party-planner is a smart and sassy, dedicated woman and she's ironing out all the wrinkles one by one.  I'm going to have to find some way to show my appreciation for her efforts in all of this.  Right now my role is pretty straight-forward: I have location and beverages.  *breathes*  It's going to be ok.

Tomorrow is Mia's vet appointment.  *Fingers crossed* that all goes well there and they say she's fit to board.

...One thing at a time.

...And later, batting my eyes at my husband to ask him to work out the knots in my neck.

I'm so not a multitasker.  I know being able to multi-task is a badge of pride these days, but you know what?  Fuck that!  I can give one thing my full attention, thoroughly accomplish a task with integrity and confidence, and then move on to the next.  Multitaskers are always doing just enough to get by.  I wasn't designed to work that way.  (Another in a long list of reasons why I've never wanted children.)

But, I digress...

Feeling the pressure today.  There are too many important issues/concerns on my plate right now, and it's grinding on my nerves hard and fast.

I made the reservations for boarding Mia while we're in Ireland.  I can almost check that off my list, except they want to examine her first.  I don't think that'll be a problem, but I'd really rather just know that finding a plan for her can be checked off my list of worries already.  I feel tons guilty enough about leaving her for a week as it is.  So, Friday she has an appointment, and I have all fingers and toes crossed that my sweet (*old*) girl is deemed healthy enough to take on as a boarder, and that she likes it there.

I really need to make a packing plan for Ireland already, while I still have time to acquire any wardrobe essentials that might be needed.  We're staying casual and packing carry-on only, so packing light is the name of the game.  It's going to be colder and rainier this time around though, so quick-drying layers are ideal.  I think I'll sit down with a cup of tea in a bit here and start working on that list, just to get it settled in my mind a little.

Oh yeah!  I need to call the bank too and see how much time they need to order some Euros for me.  Must have the monies before we leave!

Then there's the party planning.  It's nigh impossible to say no when it's for someone you love dearly, but I have to start doing that.  "No party planning ever" needs to be one of my hard and fast rules.  I do not like parties.  Attending them is hell enough, planning them is excrutiating!  I've already committed to this one though, so I have no choice but to plow through.  I'll have to get back to that today too.  I put it on the back burner last week when I had other priority issues eating my time and sanity.  I can't put it off forever though.  It's been haunting me and I just want to be done with it!

Today's election day.  We'll be going out to vote when Craig gets home.  Not a big deal there.  It's a simple ballot this time and I know exactly how I plan to vote.  I still get performance anxiety about it though.  My brain and all of it's stupid anxiety!  Oh well.  That'll be a non-issue by 6pm, ...sooner if I can't manage to push it out of my head, because I'll just go out on my own and get it over with for sanity's sake.

Then there's the plumbing.  We're now looking at replacing both the sewer line and the water line.  Both need doing, disaster is imminent in both cases otherwise.  We're talking about $5k in forseeable expense.  Oof.  The money's not even the biggest stressor, though it certainly registers!  We're also talking two, maybe three days without functional plumbing.  Argh.  It really needs to be done before permafrost, which means before Ireland and preferably before the party I'm hosting, ...which means work needs to start this week ideally.  argh.  Not much I can do about that right at this minute other than worry, and worrying gets nothing done, so for today at least, I'm going to try to just not think about it.

There'll be a funeral for one of my great aunts this week too.  I can keep that bit of stress out of my head for now because details haven't been arranged yet.  Hopefully it won't coincide with Mia's vet appointment or the start/progress of plumbing work, because we're down to the wire on those things which need to happen ASAFP and I don't have rescheduling options.

Ok.  So if I can get at least three of those things taken care of so they're not weighing on me any more, *then* I can start thinking about the holidays.  I really need to jump on that as soon as possible, because holiday stress builds exponentially for me with every passing day.

I do feel better just for having listed it all out though, honestly.  All that vague pressure and sense of impending doom never looks as bad when it's organized and prioritized.  It'll look even better if I can deal with some of it and just get it crossed off the list though, so I'd better get to it now.

...and I haven't been getting enough, until last night.  After weeks of inconsistant and scarce sleep, I *finally* fell asleep easily and slept all night long!  I did wake up a couple of times because my chest is still rattling from that damn cold, but every time I woke up, I was able to lie back down and fall right back asleep.  Ten glorious hours!!!  I feel so much better!  I was really getting obnoxiously twitchy and moody.

I ordered new pants yesterday, in the next size down.  WOOT!  That makes three pants sizes I've dropped since late July.  I *just* bought new jeans about two weeks ago, and I absolutely loved the way they fit on me ...until this weekend when I started having to hike them up constantly.  We went out to the park for a walk, but didn't get to walk the trail I wanted to because I was getting annoyed at having to hike my jeans up so much.  I actually almost walked right out of them while I was at home cleaning the next day and had to catch them just as they were sliding off my butt.  This all amuses me muchly, aside from the fact that these were the best fitting jeans I've ever owned a couple of weeks ago and I'm a little sad to see them go.  I did wear a belt with them for a while yesterday, but I had too much of the waistband gathered up under the belt and that got to be uncomfortable after a short while.  So, new pants on the way.  At least I've been able to find jeans and pants at great sale prices.  Maybe I can resell them on ebay and recoup some of my money.

I'm not doing NaNoWriMo this year.  I'm not one to say "never again", but honestly, it doesn't seem likely.  I like to write a lot, but there are a crazy amount of things that I like to do "a lot".  It always seems to come back to "do what you love", and I've discovered that I absolutely do not love writing enough to deal with a writer's life.  I did NaNo for a few years until I finally hit that 50,000 words in one month, and I really feel like I've checked that off my list of things to do.  I could see trying it again if I was job-free and had absolutely nothing else planned for the month of November and nothing else at all that I wanted to do, ...which I really can't see happening.  I always wish my writing friends the best of luck and fun for NaNo, but I'm pretty much out of that game now.

Found a gem of an old movie on Netflix last night: "Spider Baby".  I was skeptical, but I'd seen just about everything else in the horror category, so I figured I might as well give it a try.  It was delightfully twisted.  I'll definitelty watch it again.

Well, enough yammering.  I'd better get back to my day.  It's been a superhuman effort in recent days to keep myself moving and out of that pit of despair and depression, but the sleep I got last night has helped a ton, and I'm finally feeling motivated to get some stuff done.

I'm getting really tired of so very much again.  Overstimulated.  I've been clenching my jaw so tight for over a week now that I have near constant headaches and jaw pain.  It's time to retreat from the world again and recharge my sanity and sense of wonder.  No more tv, no commercial radio, no news.  No reading controversial blog posts or following links to articles that feed the flames of my misanthropy.

And even though I love my job, I'm coming up on the end of one version and ready to start the next, left with the tedium of tying up loose ends, which always makes me feel like Sisyphus.

I need some time off, from everything.

I can't afford much time off from work right now, but I'm taking the rest of today at least, and maybe some or all of tomorrow.  The plan is to get myself grounded again, and then I can make up the time off, even this weekend if I have my head together by then.

I don't know that it's just my own issues that have me worn thin right now, but it feels like more, like some weird pressure or storm cloud hanging overhead.  I've never much believed in that "veil is thin this time of year" stuff, but there does seem to be an abundance of weirdness.  Normally the weirdness delights me.  Like the feeling of a hand tucking me in at night, or the gourd I found, plucked from my own garden and left like a gift on the corner of my deck where I like to sit.  Probably some squirrel leaving a lunch that he didn't like, but I find those kinds of weird things delightful all the same, especially if you entertain less "sensible" explanations.  Ordinary is boring, and harmless out-of-the-ordinary things are delightful in comparison.

Last night though, some weirdness freaked my rabbit out and got her thumping the floor in warning about every ten seconds or so, for maybe twenty minutes.  I had just managed to fall asleep after about an hour of meditating on boring objects like straight pins and two-by-fours, trying to get my brain to SHUT THE HELL UP!  There was some commotion from downstairs that woke me, and then the thumping started.  I went downstairs to check it out, but all the windows and doors seemed secure and nothing was overturned.  I sat on the floor and looked under the bed where Mia was hiding.  She was freaked.  I sat there for a while, talking to her and trying to coax her out with treats, while she continued to beat her foot on the floor.  Eventually she came out, and after a little while longer, she crept tentatively back into her room, taking a few steps with her front feet, eyes wide and ears at attention, then after a second or two, her back feet would catch up.  She pause again and listen, then creep forward with her front feet again, like some gigantic, furry inchworm,  I followed her ever cautious steps into the room and gave her some fresh food, told whatever scared her to knock it off, and shut off the light, ...at which point she ran back under the bed in the next room and thumped the floor again.  *sigh*  I went back to bed, only hearing a couple more thumps, and spent another hour trying to get back to sleep.

So there lies a lot of my problem today.  My sleep was hard fought for and restless at best.  My brain has been on overdrive night and day for days now, only temporarly quieted by meditation and sleep when I can get it.  And then things just feel kind of off in general.

So I retreat.  Self-imposed quiet time.  And art.  I need to channel all this overstimulation and wild energy into something, so I will draw and craft myself back to sanity.  Because right now, and for the past couple of days, I'm most wanting to channel it into a fight with any and every person or thing that confronts me.  And my teeth hurt.

For starters, if it's not raining, I might go sit out back and just stare at my gourd for a while, ...maybe fill the bird feeders and leave some extra seed and nuts out for whatever rodent delivered such a fine and only barely tasted offering.

A Gift

I could totally kill for a cup of hot chocolate right now.  I took some Excedrine for my stupid head just a bit ago though, so no additional caffeine (or sugar) for me tonight.  I'll probably be up half the night as it is.  :p

Had a good day today, despite this ...cold or allergies or plague or whatever the hell it is that's kicking my ass, or sinuses rather.  I finally got the thresholds for the kitchen doors painted, so Craig will probably put those in tomorrow.  Next on my never-ending project list is staining my china shelf, I think.  Depending on how I feel, I might do that tomorrow.  Or I might paint the back door, or paint the mudroom ceiling, ...or maybe none of the above; maybe I'll just sit on my ass and read.  I definitely want to get my Halloween decor up, and bake a sour cream apple pie at least.

We also did a little shopping today.  I got a nice allergen-barrier/mattress pad combo for the antique brass bed Craig set up in the extra room.  Found it on clearance, and had a 20% off coupon too so, good shopping!  Next I get to shop for a quilt/comforter, which is far more interesting than a mattress pad.  That'll have to wait for my next paycheck though.  After that, I'll need a bed skirt, sheets and pillows, lots of pillows for that one.  It's going to be a far more comfortable guest bed than the tiny futon upstairs.  It'll be a lovely place I can lounge under a blanket and read too.  :)

I helped Craig shop for some new jeans tonight, and we found some that he can totally rock.  They're a smaller size than the last time he bought jeans, so yay for him!  ...And me!  *wink-wink*  ;)  I bought new jeans for myself today too, and a cute, purple jacket, but Craig doesn't know that, so shhh!  *L*  I had a 40% off coupon that was good for online shopping only, so I'm hoping they fit well and I don't have to return them and continue shopping.

We also went to my favorite restaurant for Lebanese food tonight.  It was a late dinner and our eyes were much bigger than our stomaches.  It seemed like we ordered one of almost everything on the menu.  heh.  Of course, we brought most of it home.  We'll probably get another dinner and a lunch out of what's in the fridge yet.  :D  YUM!

There's so much I want to do tomorrow, but it's going to be a nice, low-key day at home, regardless of the long to-do list.  Maybe I'll get enough sleep tonight that I'll be up to doing at least half of what I have tentatively planned.  Sleep would be very good.

I'm in a mood.  It's gotten better since last night when I was laying in bed trying to think about narrow ruled notebook paper because it was the only thing I could hold in my mind that didn't run off down some dark tangent.  I love narrow ruled paper.  It's smooth, neat, and full of possibilities.  Ug, I hate these dark moods though, when even the happiest memories hurt because my brain instantly takes me past everything sweet, straight to a bitter end.  Bad brain.  Bad, broken brain.  ...  Narrow ruled paper is really nice.

It's been a weird week.  Craig picked up some germs last week, and came down with a nasty cold.  He's one of the healthiest almost-never-sick people I know, and this cold kicked his ass.  I got a touch of it, but nothing like what he had, which is also strange because my immune systems S-U-C-K-S!  I get sick ten (or more) times as often as Craig, and I'm pretty sure I've always had colds worse and longer than him too.  I just got a touch of this one.  It didn't settle in my chest (for a change) like his did.  That usually means steroids for me and my asthma.  I got off so lucky this time!

Craig actually went to work Monday and Tuesday, but he came home at lunch on Tuesday, and stayed home all of Wednesday.  He needed the extra sleep, low stress, and the rest for his voice and throat.  We passed the time by busting out the PS2 and playing Champions of Norrath ...for a day and a half.  It was good, quiet, lazy fun, and a nice start to cold weather gaming season.  We don't play video games in the warmer months when there's so much to do outside.

We were supposed to have guests Tuesday through Wednesday, but I had to cancel.  Neither of us were up to entertaining company, and I would've hated to have given Meagan and Greg colds in the middle of their vacation.  Canceling was definitely the thing to do, but it seriously bummed me out.  Hopefully they can come stay with us for a day or two around the holidays.  *fingers crossed*

I'm loving the cold turn in the weather.  We had our yearly furnace cleaning/tune-up on Monday, and it couldn't have been better timed.  We just left it on at that point, and it's been running intermittantly already, keeping our house comfy right as the weather turned.  It would've made that whole being sick thing even more miserable if the furnace wasn't on yet.

Looks like we're going to be getting a new furnace next year, ...or sooner, though we're hoping it'll make it through this one last winter.  *knock-on-wood*  The technician told us it's officially 25 years old, and the life expectancy on that furnace is an average of 18 years.  heh.  Good furnace!  Nice, warm, lovely furnace!  We love you so much!  The technician told us Lennox is raising prices on the parts for our model, since it's old and they're trying to phase it out.  He showed me a few examples of typical parts that have doubled in price, and suggested that if anything broke, it would be most cost effective to buy a new one rather than repair the old.  They've kept that puppy running smooth for us for the ten years we've lived here, and I do know that furnace is old, so we're going to trust the technician on this one.  He also told us there's a 30% tax rebate(?) offer on high efficiency furnaces through 2010, so it definitely makes sense to do all this within the next year.

Ok.  I've rambled on quite a bit more than I'd inteneded to.  When I sat down to blog, I had two things on my mind, my dark mood and one thing in particular that's eating at me today.  That second thing is a serious lack of compassion from a whole lot of people.  It's disheartening to the point of making me think maybe we, as a species, deserve whatever doom we're settings ourselves up for.  ...  We definitely do.  I have a particular example that's hurting me personally this morning, but I don't really want to get into it.  I just wanted to state somewhere that I'm feeling it right here and now, but I'm noticing it everywhere, and it sucks.

I feel gross.  I don't feel quite sick, not knocked-on-your-ass sick anyhow, but I don't feel well either.  Yesterday I slept til 10am, did nothing much all day except read and go see a movie, and yet still fell asleep on the sofa some time after 9pm.  I woke up to go to bed, wound up sitting up for half an hour or so reading, and crashed again.  Slept the whole night through until 9am today.  And I've *still* been fighting the need for a nap all day.

My stomach feels a little shredded too.  I was nauseous this morning, but it's quieted down to just general unhappiness, aggravated by anything I eat or too much moving around ...such as walking to the kitchen, or maybe just standing up.  bleh.

So serious fatigue and an unsettled stomach, but aside from that, I'm fine.  No headaches, body aches or sinus issues, even my allergies have been pretty tame today.  I don't know what this is, but it needs to go away.  I'll not be having it.

Gods, I'm so damn tired.  Maybe just a quick power-nap...

I've got my office curtains down and in the wash right now.  Tomorrow we'll take the AC out of the living room window, and I'll wash those curtains, and that's the last of them!  Clean curtains all around!  I know that's really more of a spring chore, but I'm really keen on eliminating as much dust and dirt from this house as possible before we start closing it up for the winter when it's just me and my asthma against a winter's worth of dust.

My office is pretty damn cluttered.  I haven't minded having the curtains down on any of the other windows, but I'm feeling a bit exposed right now.  What a mess!  It's good motivation to get that clutter under control though.

I'm pretty pleased with all the seasonal cleaning I've been doing lately.  I just about have the worst of the dusty corners cleaned out, and I have my chores on a manageable weekly schedule that sees everything getting regularly vacuumed and dusted as a matter of maintenance. 

I've always been somewhat comfortable in a mess.  I like to have the things I'm currently working on laid out within arm's reach, and I like to have the things that need my attention sitting out somewhere to visually nag me.  To an extent, I'm more comfortable with that than I am a neat and tidy home.  I like the lived-in feel more than the magazine-ready look.  The more stuff we pare down though, the easier it is to find a comfortable balance between the two.  I still have lots of stuff I want to sell somewhere, but I'm already at the point where no extra house cleaning is necessary if we wanted to have company.  That's my ultimate goal: to always have the house guest-ready.

Speaking of which, I'd like to start having people over for dinner once in a while.  Yes, I'm still very introverted and I really hate committing to plans, but if the house is clean enough for company, and all I have to do is make dinner, it seems like it would be really nice to entertain once a month or so.  I have really awesome friends and the only reason I haven't done more inviting over the years was because cooking AND cleaning AND getting over my introverted self was just too much.  Two out of three ain't bad though.  :)

So the cleaner house is making me *very* happy.  In other happy Jen news, I saw a number on the scale this morning that has been one of my weight-loss goals for TEN YEARS now!  It's really not a great number, always meant to be just the first step of many, but it's eluded me in all my many years of false starts at getting in shape, to the point where it was starting to feel impossible.  I stepped on the scale this morning though, and VOILA!  There it was!  After weeks of bouncing around just above it, getting close but never quite there.  After feeling like utter shit off and on all week long, wondering if it was allergies or something worse coming on.  After not only skipping yesterday's workout, but also having a latte AND sharing a piece of cheesecake!  On a day I was the least hopeful, there it was!  I did something I almost never do in the morning, and giggled uncontrollably.  That feels really frakking awesome!

I'm down two pants sizes from where I was in mid-July when I started this.  Two pants sizes in two and a half months is progress I'm quite happy with!  It's hard to judge how I look, because I never noticed I was getting fat until I just was, but there are things I'm noticing that make me so very happy.  I have room in the sleeves of my t-shirts because my upper arms are shaping up.  No more sausage arms!  I'm more comfortable in shorts because my legs are more toned.  Specifically, I'm not self-conscious about sitting in shorts because my thighs have some firmness and shape now, and don't simply mold to the surface I'm sitting on.  *L*  The thing that makes me the happiest though is my tummy.  Where some girls have a pooch, ...well, I had enough that I was always expecting people to ask if I was pregnant.  Bleh!  And now I've lost enough that I feel normal.  I don't feel like my belly goes before me everywhere.  I can actually dress without feeling like I have to camouflage, without needing a long shirt that flares out.

I'm not skinny.  I really haven't lost that much, seriously.  But I feel 100 times better for the bit I have lost.  I don't feel fat any more, and that's freaking awesome.  I'd still like to lose about 50 pounds.  That will get me to a very healthy weight, one I haven't seen in 15 years or more.  And it's my goal to get there before my 40th birthday next year, which shouldn't be too terrible.  If I can lose just five pounds a month, which isn't a lofty goal *at all*, I could hit my goal with a month to spare.  Honestly, I expect to hit it even sooner.  I may even be looking swank in a bikini at the start of next summer, which is something I never thought I'd be able to pull off again.  :D  It seems very possible right now though, and just to feel the possibilities again, that's better than what the scale or the labels in my clothes or even the image in the mirror has to say.  I love the possibilities.

So my house is shaping up and my body is shaping up, even our debt is getting paid down at a nice rate.  Next on the list is getting work caught up to the point that I'm working on current issues with the programmers rather than always trying to catch up.  Simaltaneously, I want to be working out my artistic skills on a regular basis -that's HUGELY important to me.  Less than a year away from 40, and it feels like everything is coming together so nicely.  I am one content woman!

What I've learned, what started all of this progress though, was realizing how much easier it is to make improvements when you start out being okay with how things are in the present moment.  When I felt bad about myself or my situations, the thought of making things better seemed so huge, so impossible to achieve.  But when I took stock of the present moment and said to myself, "This is what I have now, and all things considered, this is really pretty damn good," then suddenly small changes seemed not only possible, but enjoyable.  And a small change or two lead to more.  It's so much easier to build momentum when you start with your focus just on the tiniest of movements.  Before you're even aware of it, those tiny movements are adding up pretty quickly.  It's a helluva a trip!