Allergy Meds and Depression

Depression.  About an hour ago I realized I was under that cloud again.  This constant noise in my head screaming over every rational thought, yelling about how pointless everything is, how much I suck as a human being, what a fraud I am, how stupid and useless I am, loathing every "futile and meaningless" thing I need to do, making it impossible to think anything but how nice it would be just to lay in bed and sleep ... to fall unconscious just to make that voice shut up for a while.  I was blessed with a moment of clarity when I realized I was getting a visit from depression again.

I took a shower.  It always helps clear my head; I think my best thoughts there.

In the shower it occurred to me that I'm taking allergy meds again.  The cold meds weren't doing much, and I'd read that the best thing for a cough is an antihistamine and a decongestant.  The article was right.  They cleared me right up and I felt great for the first time in more than a week.  I'm on my fourth day of allergy meds, and my second of a nasty depression.

That got me to thinking about the holidays, and how this was the first year in as many that I can remember when the holidays didn't stress me the hell out and bring me to the point of tantrums and crying jags.  What was different about this year?  I've been trying to figure it out.  Allergy meds.  I quit taking them daily.  This was my first December in as long as I can remember that I wasn't taking daily allergy meds.

And that got me to thinking about September and the heavy, black, month-long depression that held me, day after day of wanting to cry every time morning came around again, of hating who I am, of wishing I could remember what I thought the point of it all was.  And I remember now that I went back on my allergy meds in early September when my fall allergies started acting up.

These pills are evil.  I've made enough changes in my life that I don't have to take them daily any more, but there are still times once in a great while when I've felt I needed them.  I have to do more to make sure I don't need them at all, ever.  They *REALLY* screw with my head.  Even now, having connected the dots, there are voices in my head telling me just to delete this whiny post, I'm just being dramatic again, it doesn't matter, nothing matters, just take a nap and check out for a while.  These pills are evil.